Mind over Matter...

"I believe in ghosts.  They're the ones who haunt us, the ones who have left us behind.  Many times in my life I have felt them around me, observing, witnessing, when no one in the living world knew or cared what happened."  -Orphan Train

Chemo, such a scary word for those with cancer, or so I thought...

Let me start from the beginning.  I have know since getting multiple sclerosis that chemo (a different type from the cancer chemo) was an option and I've prepared myself for it once before, but not now.  My marriage, it's at it's best, he has seen all my faults and loves me just the same.  How and when I got so lucky, I still do not know, but every day the thought of him brings a smile to my face.  I feel well at the moment, sure I have the annoying constants of burning sensations and fatigue but aside from that, I feel fine (we'll ignore the fact that I am forgetting a lot of things and even locked us out of the house).

I was finally able to get a neurologist at Nellis base and to my surprise, he was a doc I had seen in Hawaii, really sweet and professional.  We spend 2 hours in my 45 minute appointment because at seeing my newest MRI, we all panicked.  MS MRIs are something I've always considered to be cute in a childlike way...just a sky full of stars (lesions) but what can you consider it when the night sky is simply bright white?  It seems that although I'm taking Tecfidera twice a day, when it comes to me, they are not working.  Don't get me wrong, I was so excited that Tecfidera was made by the makers of Tysabri, a drug that brought me back to normal, except after taking Tysabri twice in 2 year increments (since it likes to misbehave after 2 years) by turning your brain into moosh which results in death.  Knowing that 2/3rds (both frontal and mid portion) of my brain are currently active and only 1/3 actually working I've finally realized that with the help of God, it really is MIND OVER MATTER.

Now, about a year later since I started the pills and have taken it religiously twice a day, I will get another MRI this Friday to see if it continues to be so bad and for the first time I feel like MS has brought out the big guns and as scared as I may be, I am ready!!!  I will be tested again to see if I do still carry the virus that kills and if I no longer do, then yes it'll be Tysabri again.  If I am still positive then, I will start using chemo.  I've been told that it doesn't really make you lose hair like the cancer chemo so in that respect I'm not really worried, however, chemo can give you cancer and that worries both me and Britt (he's a cancer survivor so he knows what I'd go through).  As much as I just want to yell, "bring it bitch" I can't deny that I will not give up without a fight, you can bet on that!  While my body has told me that I'll be lucky if I make it to 35, I've only felt the pain in form of nightmares which I haven't had since I was a child.   The idea does make me start dealing with MS and negotiating, not yet, please not yet, I'm okay with 5 more years, just at least give me that much because (although I may be mistaken) my life insurance goes up in price yet again...I've been paying for it for 8 years already so give my family their money.  Smile people, it's not like I'm saying I'm dying tomorrow!

Please keep me in your prayers and God bless,
Emme

I've been here before...

   How many times, have I NOT been here before...the same thing, "you're lesions are acting up and are now active."  It's been 6 years that I have been hearing those words time and time again...I already knew, I was already dropping some of my medications and letting go of prozac seemed to me to have solved the problem.  But that wasn't what was wrong this time...

   Every time this happens I think about my months before leaving for Afghanistan, when the army had finally believed that something was wrong with me and had approved me for an MRI.  Back to that day, when 1ST had a talk with me about NOT taking that MRI, because IF they found something, I would no long be deploy-able, and I was needed he said.  Needed for what 1SG, to have someone to keep you distracted while we were out there???  I'm sorry I didn't place my bigger boobs on your desk like Courtney use to (I would have won if I had, because mine are way bigger) but I suppose I was needed out there for the drama that always followed me thanks to Hos.  Courtney, when will you tell Flaherty that whatever happened that day that she was mad at me for losing my mask wasn't even my fault, because the last thing I had said that day, was "while yes I made have given it to SSG Flaherty, let me go check, since no one had told me we were suppose to turn them back in" but SSG was so mad, I always thought they she had gotten yelled at for my mistake too and I remember that before we took off, 1SG would bring Courtney and I in to ask about who was giving up problems so he could find a reason for him to yell at them for and I figure, that day, Flaherty had been on the shit list.  But anyways, enough of that, while I found a way to look beyond the bombs and the Taliban, I actually  found myself out there and actually had a good time looking up at the stars.  I've always wondered though, how much longer would I have to live had I stayed in Germany and started treating my MS 1 year sooner???

   Call me superstitious (I am Mexican you know), but I've known since the age 8 that something was not right with me.  I started asking for back massages since that age, because even then, my back would always hurt so bad...BUT we always blamed it on getting hit by a car at age 6.  Thing is, I always knew it was worse, had always prepared myself for that day when I stood in the doctors office and got the bad news, I just always thought it would be cancer and that I would get a time frame, never this, never MS.  "Don't worry, you're going to be okay,"  that was the last thing you told me Chong, that night that I left Afghanistan, and the first time, I realized that day for the bad news was only hours away.  I have never forgotten those words Chong, so I want to thank you for having told me that, because those words are still my mantra...things are ok, I will be okay.  I WILL BE OKAY!

God Bless,

Michelle

Lone Ranger

Aside from being the title of a great movie with Johnny Depp, those two words have always in a way, been what I considered myself, simply a lone ranger!  This movie however means more than just having a title I can relate not on an individual level,but on a cultural level!

I had started this blog, long before V. nobody came about and messed with a poor foolish ma that as far as I have read, suffers from dementia. Stupid stupid women, way to make us look bad!!!  Although I am from California, I have never really cared for the Clippers, HOWEVER my husband had just worked with the coach that had just been transferred from Boston to the Clippers and because my husband always talked so high about him I had learned to love the coach.  Being someone that also studies psychology, I know enough about dementia and the sort and know that you have to take what they say with a grain of salt.  But anyways, this blog was never about any of them.  Racism still exists, and not just against black people, I learned that in all white Maine, lol!!!

But Lone Ranger, for me, never had to do with race, but just the idea of me against the world.  Trust me when I say that my life was never suppose to be that way, I didn't want to block everyone out of my life, life, and those around me, never really had the time to notice the bratty little girl that I was and the few that did never stuck around for too long, so in so many ways, I raised myself with books and school.  My siblings, where 9-10 years older than me so they wanted nothing to do with me, so I pretty much only had Nano, my gay friend, who let go of me and went his own way by the time I was in Junior High.  So then it was just me and the books again and the t.v., because watching Family Matters or Urcle or even friends, made me feel like life wasn't as shitty as it really was.  To join the army and have to be "part of a platoon" was harder than anyone knew for that reason.  I had taken that CIA test once, long before I had even thought about the military, you know that test that you use to be able to take IF you wanted to know what CIA job would be best for you???  They don't have that test anymore, I've looked, but back then, it suggested I work as a lone agent, thing is I often think about that....IF I would have gotten counter intel in the Army, would I have finally been able to make my secret dream come true?  Lauren, you have been on my mind a lot too...can you understand now why I told on you???  I saw you learning from me, becoming a lot like me and I didn't want that, not for you.  You're beautiful self, deserved so much I thought, so much more than my shitty lonely life, not to mentioned, you broke rule number 1, you never promise any one guy a forever IF you are seeing multiple, but I didn't know how to flat out tell you that back then.  When our boyfriends were living on separate floors of the same house, you don't know how bad I wanted to run downstairs and have a cigarette with you when I'd hear you yelling, but I knew what I had done, and I knew that I didn't deserve to be your friend anymore.  I've missed you, been missing you, needing my way prettier sister.

God Bless,
Emme

Dangerous Memories

How do I even start to explain myself,when my brain is badly damaged and my emotions can't always be trusted.  I continue to tell myself to stop looking into the past...it's back there for a reason...the job, never liked it, the friends disappeared, and in life, I always say that honestly in these 30 years I've lived I've accomplished more then I had ever imagined, so stop, fucked up brain girly emotions.  IF IT WAS MEANT TO BE I WOULDN'T BE RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW in this beautiful house with a beautiful family.  I hope and pray that the rest of you are enjoying your lives too!  Secret squirrels, if you miss me, call, write I'm still here just as moody, but I'm done.  We've all walked away and have been doing well, so why look back into 8 years ago...there's nothing there, not anymore!

Advice

Although I have mentally written to other blogs, I wanted to stop and give you some advice that I told myself since I was in high school...once you've landed on your feet...trust in God and make the best of your surroundings.  I think growing up in a Disney world, we search for the happily ever after that we forget, that every breath we take should bring a smile to our face!  You brought yourself to this point your in, to deny, to turn away from the choice you made, is honesty to admit that you did it all wrong.  If you're anything like me, you'll know you didn't!

God bless,
Emme

Monsters and Angels

    I remember growing up wanting to be a model and having to go to elemantery school and only hear (from the boys in class and hater little girls) that I needed to gain some more weight, get a big butt and Lord did it get to me.  To make things worse when I was 6, I got hit by a car when I was driving my bike across the street and since my parent's house was holding a Mexican novenario (prayer for the desist) and my friend Gaby was having a birthday party so you can just imagine how many people came to my rescue.  Let me be the "adult" here and lecture you on one thing, when a child or anyone really is on the ground and in need of medical assistance, leave them alone (but cover them) UNTIL medical help arrives!!!!!!!!!!  The first to reach me, was my uncle "Boots" like we call him dearly, and after insisting that I wake up and walk to which I couldn't, he asked Zefe a man know to be a "sobador" (a Mexican "chiropracter") to come help and make me better.  I was picked up into someone's arms and Zefe got to fixing my leg with all good intentions I'm sure but did more damage then good.  I had broken my femur, the strongest bone in the body...I don't remember much of that day, remember seeing the car before I crossed the street and thinking I could be faster, then remember waking up as I was being put into the ambulance and seeing the cops interrogate the driver, to which I yelled out that it was my fault. I never cried that day, BECAUSE I was so afraid of my father yelling at me, so I took that break like a champ.  I didn't wake up again until I was in the operating room and watching the doctors cut open my outfit and then not again until I woke up alone in a room full of empty beds.  I spent 1 month in the hospital while the doctors tried putting my femur and tibia back together.  I had 3 surgeries, because as I cussed them out, they messed up the first time, I'll also take blame for again cussing them out the second time and the metal rod they attempted started infecting my leg.  The third time finally worked and there I was, my left leg being hung up in the air, 4 empty wholes, 1 huge rod holding 2 ropes which at the other end held bags of sand and assisted to put the tibia back in place with the femur.  The nurses always joked that that I was going to get kicked out of my bed since so many people stop buy to give me a gift, but I was 6, all I wanted was to see my friends which thanks to the fact that my room was right next to the kid's play room, none of them ever really stopped in to see me...they were always playing in the room next door, OR they started crying as soon as they saw how bad I looked.  To make matter's worse, half way through my stay I was given medicine in strawberry milkshakes...I use to love strawberry milk shakes but that medicine was soooo bad, so yucky that those drinks always came back up and ended up all over my bed and my poor mother was constantly ignored, so there I laid, for hours at a time in my yucky Milkshake until someone finally paid attention.  I got a full body cast when I finally got to home for a whole month, my left leg covered all the way to my toes, my right leg covered to my knee, my mid section up to my chest, with only one big hole to be able to go to the bathroom, and a huge stick between my left and right leg to not allow my legs to never connect and damage the left leg...So there I was know, 6 and having to learn how to walk again, have home schooling.  When I finally got back to my 1st grade class, I never wore anything short again, but the bullies were ruthless...not only was I considered too skinny, no big butt, and 6 precious holes right below my knee...if that doesn't give you a complex, I don't know what will!  After the accident, I started 2nd grade, and met my first angel...my teacher, Mrs. Wong.  She always called me her little princess and gave me extra gold fishes for all my right answers!!!  To this day, she is in my heart and my favorite teacher because she was the good, in my always shitty home environment!

 "Taking many lovers, [I] developed a terrible reputation at [my] job..." (The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe) in the military, but know it wasn't "lovers" as in one was in my bed everyday, more like relationships where 3 were waiting when one walked away.  But the story doesn't start there, it begins in a bath tub and a secret.  "...Perhaps even being forced into adulthood..." sigh, being shown to do something that only adults should know how to do when you are 4 or 5 is always a secret, isn't it, our secret.  From that young age, I learned that IF I wanted the love my parents were too busy to give me, I began to believe that I needed to do something sexual, that that was the only way I'd hear I love you.  I "couldn't feel myself and I thought that the world had ended. Everything seemed so far away and like nothing else could" be well anymore.  Sigh, because I have heard since I became willing to open about that day, I've realized that more and more people I meet are willing to share that they have gone through similar situations, and let me be adult again, and tell you, that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!  Unfortunately bad people are everywhere so it will happen, HOWEVER, you've made me!  IF this has happened to you and you're reading this, YOU MADE IT!!!  So the next time you feel like crying, stop yourself and turn those sad tears into happy tears, because you made it!!!

Of course, the bullies in Elementary school were really a joke...I met the big bullies once I got the military!  I would never say, I'm a beautiful girl, I'm okay, and IF I take the time to fix myself up I can look pretty, but never beautiful...I was taught to be humble!  In the gold ol' army though, any overweight girl, of girl that didn't consider themselves "ok" LOVED picking on me.  I started A school engaged which did not work out and the next day, I was getting proposed to by the cutest guy in the unit...oh lord, what a mess that became!  I didn't marry that guy either because my FIRST fiance had walked back in to my life, told a bunch of lies and cost that engagement!  I had been engaged 3 times by the time I was 18 and while I don't regret ANY of the engagements, only 1 survived in a friendship.  Anyways, in A school, the fatties hated BAD on me when Jared proposed, like I said, he was the cutest guy in the unit and they did not like that I was getting flowers and the such.  Every night we have to sit outside our rooms for drill sergeant to take bedroom check, and the girls would hit there talking about they could smell the sex...ha, don't hate!!!  Thing is, after that engagement was canceled I began dating a marine with a car...nice, and I can say, he was the best boyfriend EVER and in every way, MY ANGEL!  Turned me into a real life pretty woman, and made me classier than my parents had ever taught me to be, should have taught me how to drive since my parents never did, but that's a whole different story!  Once I was in a relationship that I felt secure in, I became the bully!  My then boyfriend was nice, and he let his marine friends to borrow his car to take his army girl friends out.  Back in those days, A school worked in a home prize type of environment, do good in school and you get rewarded!  The marines that were borrowing his car, were taking army chicks that had not yet earned the privilege to go off base, so I become the one making loud comments to the young girls.  I know bullying isn't right, I know that it can caused a lot of damage, but understand, that those that are bulling you are doing it because that's exactly how they feel!!!  For all those girls that are telling you you're too fat, are doing it because although they may be skinny in your eyes, doesn't mean they don't get called fat at home!  Or those that pick on you cause you're gay, they either heard the same words towards them OR they may be thinking about coming out of the closest too.  Know, that bullies are the ones with the emotional problems, so you shouldn't cause you any!  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, FUNNY, SMART AND UNSTOPPABLE!

"The only thing to fear, is fear itself"  Franklin D. Roosevelt.  While this quote has always been one of my favorite I didn't apply it to my life until I was serving in the war and again this year when I finally learned to quietly embrace multiple sclerosis.  So, my advice to you, if you'll take any is to go ahead and fall, cry your eyes out, and then pick yourself back up, hold your head up high and continue walking towards your dream!  Psychology will tell you, that once you've overcome one PTSD event, any other event that can cause PTSD will seem like a piece of cake!  So, smile because like I said before, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, FUNNY, SMART AND UNSTOPPABLE!!!

God Bless,
Emme

What Happens Now???

   I've been hear before, with those very same words...what happens now?  My husband hates that I haven't let go of the military, but how can I when my life brings me back to the same feeling I felt that day???  Sigh, back then,8 years ago, I already had my plan, register for a college in Texas, buy a house and start my new life...but of course, life, God, karma, something, whatever brought on the precious multiple sclerosis, and yes, I talk about MS a lot, but how can I not, when my left arm is struggling to move?

   So now, here I am dying of cold with this difficult snow and you can't deny that Jesus is not happy with us right now.  Okay, on the serious side, I'm moving to warming weather which also brought back different memories.  Britt has always asked "where do you want to live?"  Sigh, I would have originally said Germany, but I'm starting to believe that that is where I got MS, but not anymore, since we are going to a desert, it finally came to me that the first place I felt I was home in, was Arizona...a very brutal sun that left a mean farmer's tan (there was no way to look cute in a dress with that!)  Then came Afghanistan, with extremely hot summers and very cold winters and yet, I use to love staying out to see all the stars out there.  So now I'm off to Vegas a place I have always consider Satan's playground BECAUSE I know that weather is going to make me feel a little better.

   So, I have decided to give myself 2 years, just 2 quick years to sample the weather knowing full well that the sun, while CAN make me feel better might just affect my Durkish Delight might have the opposite outcome and his Milenoma might come back but with God's help everything will be okay!!!  IF everything is good to go, I am willing to start convincing Britt to have a child with me (he doesn't want a kid, but who wouldn't want another ME)!!!  I am well aware that having a child with my MS is going to be like asking to die, BUT I'm a tough girl...I will put my health in God's hands and rest assure knowing I have life insurance and my family will be taken care of!

God Bless,
Emme

Mami Dearest

I can't deny that when I was young, I was as Mexican as Mexican can get. I'm first generation American born, and I grew up with Los Bukis, Vicente Fernandez, Juanga and the sort, I was a lost girl with one foot in each country and waving two flags. I was unaware of the differences (I use to hear "la migra" and learned to run) however, in my house there was only 1 voice and that was my father's.

      Let me not ignore the fact that my father, when I grew up, was always drunk. Parties were constant and the day after, picking up the bottles to recycle only to sell back, was a chore. My father was scary, not in so many ways mean (at least not to me) and super loud regardless of weather or he was yelling or simply laughing. I have constantly said, that you could hear him talking on the phone 3 houses away and I wasn't kidding. My older brothers, who are 10 and 9 older respectably, had already moved into the back house and had left me alone to deal with the drama. We all knew what was happening in our home, BUT why let me deal with it alone??? I know you hated me for being daddy's princess, but you all had mom...me, I got dragged by the ear all the way to the bus stop only to have the bus driver laugh and say I probably deserved it.

Those drinking days where on some level fun. We had parties all the time, and my parents had made their place high in the Mexican social circle, the party however didn't last. Things were different when the lights when off and the "friends" left. Of what use to happen, still hurts to bring up, but I'm sure it is known since it unfortunately occurs too often in many homes. Red, blue and black, that's what my flag became...the eagle long gone, and the snake being the only survivor! Do not get me wrong, he never laid a hand on me, that's not his role, any real Mexican will tell you, that is the mother's job. Trust me, I wanted to look away, many times, play the music louder, lock my bedroom door, and pray for everything to go away but I never could. Like 2pac once said, Lady...
"Dear mama, place no one above ya, sweet lady. You are appreciated, don't cha know we love ya?

Our momma, mami, grandma, daddy whatever you call her, isn't it she the one that forms in so many ways, the rest of your life??? It was my father that taught me how to be a lady, it was my mom whom taught me to always go where the money is, but is that right? Yeah I never thought so either, although, I did enjoy all my expensive things. I suppose you can say, I learned to be like my father, just straight strong and cold. My mother always cried, always was too scared, and she had every right too be, BUT that was not who I wanted to be. I took after my father, to my mom's worst nightmare, but I'm not as naïve. Mother's they know a lot of things, not just mine but all of them. I've had 2 mothers tell me point blank to walk away from their sons. Let me explain, at the point when I'm constantly in tears, they find it in their hearts to say, "yeah no, walk away, he's seeing someone else." The first time, was simply that, my first and I really thought I could make it last for ever...lol, NO what a mistake! The other one, I suppose means more to me then the first because we were in a place where we needed love the most. War, it does things to you, thing you'd never hope you never saw, and out there, I'm sorry to say that a woman does become a mother with everyone around them, and the men, they become the worst liars you ever meet. You learn to trust the I love you's as truth, not knowing who is really before you. My old gray eyes, my Mr. Blue, you have broken my heart more times then I should ever allow! Sweetheart, you're a great guy and you know that you will never have trouble finding someone right for you! Sweetie, I think even you know that 1) you are racist and 2) you maybe a bit of a psychopath. Do yourself a favor and get a therapist, a real therapist, I still don't have one and lately I'm dying more then anything else. You're friend (RIP) had told you who you'd marry, look for her, get better for her! My heart is spoken for already and I'm happy! I know the day will come when you are happy too!

Sigh, mami dearest, know that while you didn't get to be my BFF, you left a son that I know loves you, and he still wants to be your BFF. Dear Mami, you are starting over with your grandchildren, let me only ask you to not let them walk all over like I did. No more, chili con sal, because now I have GERD, and although you warned me, you know kids don't listen!!! No more fatty food for dad, because now that he's older, that bad cholesterol is killing him, and you, my gosh, you have diabetes! Be more careful of what the family eats, sure we come from a healthy family, BUT we're not invincible! Our blood can be spared as any other! I love you all, you are my family.

God Bless,
Michelle

2 Months...

  It has been two months...2 months since I have been waiting for my Tecfidera!!!  While I am moving to a place where I will finally be dealing with my own people, but am I really going to have to wait 3 months???  I understand I can deal with a whole lot BUT GOD, forgive me for what I did!!!  I'm knocking on heavens door, answer me already!!!

 

Faith, Esperanza and Everything in Between

With how shitty I have always thought my life to be, there was always something there looking out for me and even in days when I've denounced my faith, religious people I have met along the way have always asked, well do you at least believe in Angels?!?!  And I always thought "what a silly question, do I believe in angels, of  course I believe in angels!"

  I can tell you, I always knew my guardian angel was a male because I "heard" him sometimes before a song when the disc jokey has signed off and "someone" says this one is for you....it was always a song I already loved but hadn't heard in awhile.  OR I "saw him" in a dream perhaps, but you know when some dream feels so real that it wakes you up???  Yeah, he woke me up one night, when I was sleeping in the base that had once belonged to Hitler's Air Force during WWII (talk about scary).  I was informally living in a guy friend's room while he was deployed, who also had a roommate...the best roommate I've ever had if I'm honest.  Who knew, that one guy whom I had never really dealt with, until I needed to move out of my room because of a bad roommate would make such a difference in my life.  So anyways, I'm wasting time, Mike we'll call him, was dating a German girlfriend, whom he broke up with every weekend, so every Saturday he was would show up and wake me up to vent about the girlfriend, but while I was starting to see the beginning traits of MS, on that one Saturday that I had that dream that woke me up, I thought it was Mike again, so I yelled at him, NOT TODAY!  I went back to my "safe zone" of hiding underneath my blanket (how many of us, weren't told to hide from the 'cucucky' and go to sleep???  So I hid from the bad guy and started saying my prayers and in between prayers, I all of a sudden realized that what had broken me up was not Mike, but a German Soldier (yes I know, now I believe in ghosts - don't judge me I was raised by Mexican parents that only got to 5th Grade) but I swear to you, that's who I saw, a German Soldier that was just staring at me, with this curious look trying to figure out how this girl with black hair had gotten into his bed.

  Now, to quote Paul Ryan's mom, "You have 2 ears and only 1 mouth, so use them accordingly."  And just like the congressman said, I haven't always applied that advice myself...impatient spicy Latina that I am, I inherited my dad's father's traits of borderline personality disorder that creates illusions of grandeur that makes you believe you know the right way, and if anyone you care about refuses to see things your way, you become Hitler himself!  This stupid illness of mine walks a think line between acting like Hitler and acting like Mother Theresa 

So what am I trying to say?  Well, the older I get the more I realize that I've had angels all along the way, my second grade teacher (thank you for teaching me I was a princess), my third grade teacher (thank you, for following Wong's path), my singing teacher for finding my voice, my 6th grade teacher who put up with our BS (right Vannie), Chris my Negro, (thank you for thinking I was too precious to want more than just a sabor a mi), Valle (thank you for teaching me just how bad a rose can make you bleed...may we never meet again), Mike U. (thank you for picking up the peices to my heart and putting it back), Nano G. (I'm sorry, for the lost years, but I am happy to hear you have found the one, thank you Mrs. G for making him happy), thank you, to all of you that I met in Afghanistan, for the hard times, for the laughs, miss you angels, Charlie), and thank you to my family from AIT for always making me feel like home!  Mike C. thank you for believing in me so much, you've made me believe in myself, and to the college military guys thanks for being in my unit!  Britt, thank you for teaching me that looks really are skin deep, for being the best accountant I could ever ask for, you really do deserve the world!  And Ted, thank you, for coming back into my life when I need you the most, this time please don't leave again!

P.S.  I realized that my Guardian Angel is my Great Grandfather whom I never had the pleasure to meet and YES to answer the question asked to meet in Thanksgiving, it has driven insane to really figure out which one I would prefer to be, and while I love the Maria idea and it is very much in me, I have discovered who I really am....I would tell you, but then I'd have to kill you! :)

God Bless,
Emme