"I believe in ghosts. They're the ones who haunt us, the ones who have left us behind. Many times in my life I have felt them around me, observing, witnessing, when no one in the living world knew or cared what happened." -Orphan Train
Chemo, such a scary word for those with cancer, or so I thought...
Let me start from the beginning. I have know since getting multiple sclerosis that chemo (a different type from the cancer chemo) was an option and I've prepared myself for it once before, but not now. My marriage, it's at it's best, he has seen all my faults and loves me just the same. How and when I got so lucky, I still do not know, but every day the thought of him brings a smile to my face. I feel well at the moment, sure I have the annoying constants of burning sensations and fatigue but aside from that, I feel fine (we'll ignore the fact that I am forgetting a lot of things and even locked us out of the house).
I was finally able to get a neurologist at Nellis base and to my surprise, he was a doc I had seen in Hawaii, really sweet and professional. We spend 2 hours in my 45 minute appointment because at seeing my newest MRI, we all panicked. MS MRIs are something I've always considered to be cute in a childlike way...just a sky full of stars (lesions) but what can you consider it when the night sky is simply bright white? It seems that although I'm taking Tecfidera twice a day, when it comes to me, they are not working. Don't get me wrong, I was so excited that Tecfidera was made by the makers of Tysabri, a drug that brought me back to normal, except after taking Tysabri twice in 2 year increments (since it likes to misbehave after 2 years) by turning your brain into moosh which results in death. Knowing that 2/3rds (both frontal and mid portion) of my brain are currently active and only 1/3 actually working I've finally realized that with the help of God, it really is MIND OVER MATTER.
Now, about a year later since I started the pills and have taken it religiously twice a day, I will get another MRI this Friday to see if it continues to be so bad and for the first time I feel like MS has brought out the big guns and as scared as I may be, I am ready!!! I will be tested again to see if I do still carry the virus that kills and if I no longer do, then yes it'll be Tysabri again. If I am still positive then, I will start using chemo. I've been told that it doesn't really make you lose hair like the cancer chemo so in that respect I'm not really worried, however, chemo can give you cancer and that worries both me and Britt (he's a cancer survivor so he knows what I'd go through). As much as I just want to yell, "bring it bitch" I can't deny that I will not give up without a fight, you can bet on that! While my body has told me that I'll be lucky if I make it to 35, I've only felt the pain in form of nightmares which I haven't had since I was a child. The idea does make me start dealing with MS and negotiating, not yet, please not yet, I'm okay with 5 more years, just at least give me that much because (although I may be mistaken) my life insurance goes up in price yet again...I've been paying for it for 8 years already so give my family their money. Smile people, it's not like I'm saying I'm dying tomorrow!
Please keep me in your prayers and God bless,
Emme
Showing posts with label multiple sclerosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label multiple sclerosis. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Remembering 2013
2013? Is it really the end of 2013?
Since junior high I've always sat around in December and gone through all of my photo albums to in a way "relive" my life and although there was hardly anyone other than me in my pictures (if I was ever in it) just seeing the pictures always put a smile on my face because "I can't" has hardly ever come out of my mouth. Sure, I've paid the price for it but who cares, I'm still here and every picture was a memory of "I shouldn't have, but boy was that fun!" So now here I am, 2013 and all those albums, are somewhere in my parent's house in California, where, the trash probably, if my mom wasn't fast enough to take custody of them before my dad probably just through them away for taking up space :)!
So back to 2013, um, its been cold, specially right now. It has been annoying because it has been routine...go to sleep, wake up, watch t.v. and hope and pray that I don't have an MS attack. I raised my precious dog Sarge, a little spoiled, but not as spoiled as I had made my last dog....don't question me, its not my fault he fit so perfectly on my hip! But he went from being so super annoying, to scaring the neighbors (he's very protective). He has gone from getting tall enough to drag me around the yard and leave me all bruised, to learning how to "walk me" back to the house (you should see him, he stands so proud of himself for walking his mom very carefully back to the house.) He still sleeps in the bed with me, BECAUSE he knows mom's legs always burn and if he's cold, just cuddle with them and he'll never need the heater!
12/17/13 (the next day)
I said that all I need was 2 years, just needed to sleep for 2 years, and that is exactly what I have been doing...a whole lot of nothing, sleep, have a relapse, go to the hospital, and sleep again. Today, in this 10 degree weather, I have decided/ realized that I'm not tired anymore! Tomorrow, I had already planned to go back to the gym, but NOW I know I can do that 1 hour on the elliptical! This is it, I always said 30 was going to be a good year and with over 1 month left for that day, I know, it will be the beginning of my forever. So lets do this, go back to college, find a good job and maybe, just maybe be the first female President of this wonderful country! (Sorry Hilary, but thank you for paving the way!)
God Bless and thank you Jesus for never leaving my side,
Michelle
Monday, December 9, 2013
Merry Santa (part 2)
So, where were we again?
We were on her face Mrs. elf Spice.
Right, right, her face. Lets start with her lips, allow them to move as far right and as far left as it wants and lets make the eye on whatever side the lips decide to move droop down.
Now, for the ending with a bang, lets make a brain with dysfunctional nerves that are attacked and therefore are unable to complete a command of moving an arm or leg.
Great Mrs. elf Spice! This present for the naughty sounds great!
NO!!! This precious doll is only for the special super sweet people that love helping others, that go above and beyond for those around them, for those that are way stronger then you can never imagine.
And what shall we name it Mrs. elf Spice?
mmmm, My Savior because although it will look horrible and seem painful, it will touch, give everyone something to contemplate, and eventionally change everyone for the better.
We were on her face Mrs. elf Spice.
Right, right, her face. Lets start with her lips, allow them to move as far right and as far left as it wants and lets make the eye on whatever side the lips decide to move droop down.
Now, for the ending with a bang, lets make a brain with dysfunctional nerves that are attacked and therefore are unable to complete a command of moving an arm or leg.
Great Mrs. elf Spice! This present for the naughty sounds great!
NO!!! This precious doll is only for the special super sweet people that love helping others, that go above and beyond for those around them, for those that are way stronger then you can never imagine.
And what shall we name it Mrs. elf Spice?
mmmm, My Savior because although it will look horrible and seem painful, it will touch, give everyone something to contemplate, and eventionally change everyone for the better.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Hurry up and Wait...
I had heard those words before but they never meant so much to me as they meant the moment I joined the military. Since the very first day, being at MEPS, the government always expected EVERYBODY to be up and ready to go, everyone that is, expect themselves. The long lines in either the hot sun or a cold room, I believe make up 95% of your time in the military...ok, ok, about 85 but you get the point. I'm not and never have been a lazy person, but if you're going to pay me just to sit around then hey that works.
Hurry up and wait...I'M TIRED OF WAITING!!! I left a job where regular people that never had to go through the BS of boot camp or the horrors of war sit around and gossip and make decent money. I would have kept the job for the rest of my life if it weren't for this illness, I was blessed with while at war. The V.A. supposedly has so many days to complete a claim, and my claim for un-employability has 200 and something days...I've been fairly relaxed on my claim, have said my prayers and have left it up to God, because He knows best, BUT my claim with the VA has been in since January 31 and as we near the end of September, I've run out of patience!
Now don't believe nothing has happened since the start (I'm always impatient). I was fortunate to have gotten Congressman Michael Michaud of Maine read and respond to my letter for help. His office has assisted me by pushing my case along and I have had my appointments to be reviewed for my claim. My 4 appointments went well and I even got to meet an old woman whom takes care of her 30 year old son who has MS and has no one else to rely on (bless her heart). So I've been looking at the bright side of things, until now.
Now, sigh, now my landlord is willing to sell my husband and I the house we rent, BUT I refuse to become one of the many people that dream big but can't back up their own dreams! Until I can have the money to secure such a purchase, I can't commit and I'm angry. If it were up to me, I'd be healthy and I'd be working, but since I spent my last best years in the military, I find it only fair that the military pay for leaving me like this. I understand that until we know for sure how you get M.S. I have no right to blame the military, but in life if you look close at yourself, someone is always to blame aren't they?
With that I'm done, I have a migraine!
God Bless,
Michelle
Hurry up and wait...I'M TIRED OF WAITING!!! I left a job where regular people that never had to go through the BS of boot camp or the horrors of war sit around and gossip and make decent money. I would have kept the job for the rest of my life if it weren't for this illness, I was blessed with while at war. The V.A. supposedly has so many days to complete a claim, and my claim for un-employability has 200 and something days...I've been fairly relaxed on my claim, have said my prayers and have left it up to God, because He knows best, BUT my claim with the VA has been in since January 31 and as we near the end of September, I've run out of patience!
Now don't believe nothing has happened since the start (I'm always impatient). I was fortunate to have gotten Congressman Michael Michaud of Maine read and respond to my letter for help. His office has assisted me by pushing my case along and I have had my appointments to be reviewed for my claim. My 4 appointments went well and I even got to meet an old woman whom takes care of her 30 year old son who has MS and has no one else to rely on (bless her heart). So I've been looking at the bright side of things, until now.
Now, sigh, now my landlord is willing to sell my husband and I the house we rent, BUT I refuse to become one of the many people that dream big but can't back up their own dreams! Until I can have the money to secure such a purchase, I can't commit and I'm angry. If it were up to me, I'd be healthy and I'd be working, but since I spent my last best years in the military, I find it only fair that the military pay for leaving me like this. I understand that until we know for sure how you get M.S. I have no right to blame the military, but in life if you look close at yourself, someone is always to blame aren't they?
With that I'm done, I have a migraine!
God Bless,
Michelle
Sunday, February 5, 2012
No Sugar(coating) please.
Okay, so here it is...no tears, just the painful truth...
- I once was blind and now I see (boy does that song make me cry
- I've had a stoke-like facial droop
- I've had a bad liver because of all the medication I've been on...it's fixed itself but once a damaged liver always a damaged I was told
- I can tell you only steaks, mashed potatoes, steamed vegetables, french fries and fettuccine Alfredo don't make me vomit, everything else has a good chance of coming back up
- I always miss a step going down the stairs
- In the 1st month of having MS while giving myself self-administered shots,I accidentally put my medication into a vein, collapsed and the German ER thought I was having a heart attack
- I have failed using the injections copaxone, rebiff, avonex which is not good
- My brain has so many lesions that even since the first MRI the docs have always been afraid to show it to me, and the MRI techs have always felt so sorry for me
- I've been to the ER so many times I can tell you exactly how the visit is going to go
- I've lost mobility of both my legs for a short time
- If it wasn't for my navigation system I'd probably never find home
- I've forgotten account passwords that I've used for 15 some years
- I dropped things I'm holding way too often because my hands won't grip them properly
- All top secret information I once new is now gone, I don't remember
- While I am mostly constipated, I do have moments where I accidentally poop myself (just a tiny bit though, I run to the bathroom and save myself)
- I have lost feeling in my hands and my legs (I burned one of my legs once with the curling iron and never even noticed until I started smelling burning flesh)
- I throw up everywhere, public transportation, people's yards, my living room floor, all over my car
- I miss running
- I can no longer wear heels and I hate flats
- I cry way to much and way too strong because I end up sending myself into anxiety attacks
- Anxiety attacks = severe burning on both arms, legs, and middle portion of my body with all the ant feeling to an extreme, sometimes followed by vomiting
- I lose weight all the time and I hate it!
- I bought my dog for unconditional love and the sucker loves my family more than me
- In really bad moments I start talking like a deaf person, who's talking but still can't figure out exactly how to pronounce words
- As much as I feared wheelchairs, now I can't wait to get into one! If you see me in one at the grocery store, you better move out of my way!
- I really do feel stupid now
- I have decided to give up on my dream of becoming a psychologist (which I'm great at) just to be selfish for a minute and take care of the pain...I was going to be somebody, sigh
- I feel like the worse wife in the world for having dragged Britt into this hell
- If my end were to come tomorrow, I would go with a smile because in life I've done everything I wanted to do and then some and it'd be nice for the pain to go away
Friday, February 3, 2012
Hi my name is Michelle and I am disabled...
It has taken me 6 years to be able to say that. I have never denied that I am forever sick, but I have never used the word disabled to describe myself because I have always considered myself strong and unbreakable because I am a Soldier, I went to war dammit!
Today, on my 6 year anniversary I must confess I don't recognize myself anymore because I have changed for both the good and the bad. I will never deny that I'm a bit of a bitch but MS has made me nice because I no longer have the energy to point out how dumb some people are (this may be the only good quality).
But on the negative side I'm afraid of things like pizza because it makes me vomit right away. Not that pizza is the ONLY thing that has made me become friends with the porcelain god, throughout the years I've made a mental note of all the foods/restaurants never to try again. Let me clarify that vomiting is not a trait of MS however, problems with bowel movements are. It was 2007 that this problem originated and although I had an army of 6 different specialist, none were or have to this day given me a reason for this happening or have admitted it's MS. The vomiting comes from the constant constipation and like I TOLD one of my doctors back then, I figure if it doesn't come out one hole, it'll come out the other. I was fine with the issue before because it was only the last bite of food that I would vomit yet now I get horrible stomach pains that always make me think it's going to come out the right way but it comes out as vomit and not just the last bite but also all the way back to the food I ate the day before. This has been one of my constant companions, but not the only one.
The pain in my leg, my arms, my back, the constant burning feeling and the ants, the freaking ants all over my body have also been with me since the beginning. This pain (because it hurts like hell to burn from the inside) has made me convinced that I live on a pain scale of 7-8. Montel Williams explained it best on Oprah...imagine someone entered a burning rod from the bottom of your foot and just starts shaking it inside your leg, going higher and higher each time. This doesn't just happen throughout the day, no, MS burns you when your fast asleep and reminds you it's still there. But this isn't the only wrong thing with my legs, now they can't even support my 105lbs and I use a cane occasionally not only because I limp sometime but because I'm afraid that I would fall without it. Stress makes me do the Frankenstein and refuses to allow my legs to bend and turns my hands into claws that just won't go back to normal and when this happens, it's like a million ants were let lose on my body. Boy the tears I've cried because of this pain and the ER visits I've had to make.
The thing that hurts the most though are my memory problems and that it's just plain made me dumb! I always prided myself in being smarter then the regular average on many levels and yet now MS does the opposite of what I tell it to do. Take for example my everyday when there's something on the floor and I think, ok, go around it, MS walks straight to it and sometimes even kicks it or smashes it leading to my nickname being Godzilla in my house. Then there's my current job where a patient is found on the database by last name and last 4 of social, so if I read Uribe1234, I end up typing Uribe2345 pulling up a totally different patient and booking appointments for the wrong person. I may be new to this job but I'm tired of everyday being told I did something wrong. Call it my pride, but fuck, I hate this the most. I want to be smart again...
I am no longer in charge of my eating habits, my weight, my sleep, my energy level (because I'm tired the moment I wake up til the moment I go to sleep) this foreign thing that has invaded my life has now taken over. I have often joked around and called it the child I never wanted to have but it's now way past being funny, now it just hurts, I HURT!!!
I am here today because of God - because He seems to believe in me more than I have ever believed in myself. Britt my forever support who's walked through hell and back with me and never moved a bit from my side. My mother who always has prayers on her mind and friends like all of you who are reading this to help me with that letter to the Veterans Affairs. I have always considered myself a loner yet, now that I need a friend most you are there to give me a helping hand and not just 1 hand but many! No words will ever describe how thankful I am for all of you. You all have joined my circle of friends at different times, childhood, school, the military, work and yet you all mean the word to me...Don't ever change!
God Bless,
Emme
Today, on my 6 year anniversary I must confess I don't recognize myself anymore because I have changed for both the good and the bad. I will never deny that I'm a bit of a bitch but MS has made me nice because I no longer have the energy to point out how dumb some people are (this may be the only good quality).
But on the negative side I'm afraid of things like pizza because it makes me vomit right away. Not that pizza is the ONLY thing that has made me become friends with the porcelain god, throughout the years I've made a mental note of all the foods/restaurants never to try again. Let me clarify that vomiting is not a trait of MS however, problems with bowel movements are. It was 2007 that this problem originated and although I had an army of 6 different specialist, none were or have to this day given me a reason for this happening or have admitted it's MS. The vomiting comes from the constant constipation and like I TOLD one of my doctors back then, I figure if it doesn't come out one hole, it'll come out the other. I was fine with the issue before because it was only the last bite of food that I would vomit yet now I get horrible stomach pains that always make me think it's going to come out the right way but it comes out as vomit and not just the last bite but also all the way back to the food I ate the day before. This has been one of my constant companions, but not the only one.
The pain in my leg, my arms, my back, the constant burning feeling and the ants, the freaking ants all over my body have also been with me since the beginning. This pain (because it hurts like hell to burn from the inside) has made me convinced that I live on a pain scale of 7-8. Montel Williams explained it best on Oprah...imagine someone entered a burning rod from the bottom of your foot and just starts shaking it inside your leg, going higher and higher each time. This doesn't just happen throughout the day, no, MS burns you when your fast asleep and reminds you it's still there. But this isn't the only wrong thing with my legs, now they can't even support my 105lbs and I use a cane occasionally not only because I limp sometime but because I'm afraid that I would fall without it. Stress makes me do the Frankenstein and refuses to allow my legs to bend and turns my hands into claws that just won't go back to normal and when this happens, it's like a million ants were let lose on my body. Boy the tears I've cried because of this pain and the ER visits I've had to make.
The thing that hurts the most though are my memory problems and that it's just plain made me dumb! I always prided myself in being smarter then the regular average on many levels and yet now MS does the opposite of what I tell it to do. Take for example my everyday when there's something on the floor and I think, ok, go around it, MS walks straight to it and sometimes even kicks it or smashes it leading to my nickname being Godzilla in my house. Then there's my current job where a patient is found on the database by last name and last 4 of social, so if I read Uribe1234, I end up typing Uribe2345 pulling up a totally different patient and booking appointments for the wrong person. I may be new to this job but I'm tired of everyday being told I did something wrong. Call it my pride, but fuck, I hate this the most. I want to be smart again...
I am no longer in charge of my eating habits, my weight, my sleep, my energy level (because I'm tired the moment I wake up til the moment I go to sleep) this foreign thing that has invaded my life has now taken over. I have often joked around and called it the child I never wanted to have but it's now way past being funny, now it just hurts, I HURT!!!
I am here today because of God - because He seems to believe in me more than I have ever believed in myself. Britt my forever support who's walked through hell and back with me and never moved a bit from my side. My mother who always has prayers on her mind and friends like all of you who are reading this to help me with that letter to the Veterans Affairs. I have always considered myself a loner yet, now that I need a friend most you are there to give me a helping hand and not just 1 hand but many! No words will ever describe how thankful I am for all of you. You all have joined my circle of friends at different times, childhood, school, the military, work and yet you all mean the word to me...Don't ever change!
God Bless,
Emme
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Dedicate your life for nothing...
I have died in this lonely country, in the middle of this war,
have torn apart my memories, forgotten all I've ever known.
I looked into the past and felt sorrow,
for the lonely nights remembered, for no hope for tomorrow.
So, I died in this county in the middle of his war,
Laid myself to rest and thought of me no more.
I wrote that poem towards the end of my year long deployment to Afghanistan around the time I KNEW something was physically wrong with me. Around this time, after 2 years of complaining about numbness in my legs and always being told that it was a pinched nerve that kept happening because I'm so small rucking so much, I had lost hope. My symptoms were ignored UNTIL I lost my vision. Everyone around me expected me to be scared, but I never was. I had convinced myself that I only had sand in my eyes from all of the Afghan sand storms. I thought I was lucky, I was leaving 2 weeks earlier then the rest of my unit, I had avoided the trip to Kuwait AND all so that they just flush my eyes out and tell me I was fine! It was suppose to end that way, but it did not. You have multiple sclerosis the doctors told me and boy did life really end.
I have never regretted joining the Army, it did allow me to see the world BUT is this pain really worth the memories? I was fortunate that the military quickly retires soldiers for this illness because without the military taking care of me I don't know what I would do. However, it's been 5 years now and at this moment my face is moving to the right (not the fist time it happens). The 30% disability rating that the army gave me is not enough...I struggle to walk, I throw up almost every day, I don't have bowl movements, I have stroke like symptoms, I loose feeling....I am miserable!
17 months ago I requested an increase in my disability from the VA (everyone says they are nicer then the military) BUT they still haven't come up with a decision. My case has since gone from California to Hawaii, to Ohio, back to Hawaii. I have spoken to managers in the VA, written to Congressmen and still its getting ignored. So now I do feel like I dedicated my life for nothing. Perhaps I didn't die in Afghanistan but I was sent back with a life that is not worth living. I hope and pray that this nightmare will be over soon because the longer I wait, the more disabled I become.
Thank you for reading my blog once again. I'm feeling lonely because I have no followers, so please follow me, leave me comments and let me know what you want to hear. Have a happy 4th of July and remember on that day that many of us gave up a lot for your freedom!!!!
God Bless,
Emme
have torn apart my memories, forgotten all I've ever known.
I looked into the past and felt sorrow,
for the lonely nights remembered, for no hope for tomorrow.
So, I died in this county in the middle of his war,
Laid myself to rest and thought of me no more.
I wrote that poem towards the end of my year long deployment to Afghanistan around the time I KNEW something was physically wrong with me. Around this time, after 2 years of complaining about numbness in my legs and always being told that it was a pinched nerve that kept happening because I'm so small rucking so much, I had lost hope. My symptoms were ignored UNTIL I lost my vision. Everyone around me expected me to be scared, but I never was. I had convinced myself that I only had sand in my eyes from all of the Afghan sand storms. I thought I was lucky, I was leaving 2 weeks earlier then the rest of my unit, I had avoided the trip to Kuwait AND all so that they just flush my eyes out and tell me I was fine! It was suppose to end that way, but it did not. You have multiple sclerosis the doctors told me and boy did life really end.
I have never regretted joining the Army, it did allow me to see the world BUT is this pain really worth the memories? I was fortunate that the military quickly retires soldiers for this illness because without the military taking care of me I don't know what I would do. However, it's been 5 years now and at this moment my face is moving to the right (not the fist time it happens). The 30% disability rating that the army gave me is not enough...I struggle to walk, I throw up almost every day, I don't have bowl movements, I have stroke like symptoms, I loose feeling....I am miserable!
17 months ago I requested an increase in my disability from the VA (everyone says they are nicer then the military) BUT they still haven't come up with a decision. My case has since gone from California to Hawaii, to Ohio, back to Hawaii. I have spoken to managers in the VA, written to Congressmen and still its getting ignored. So now I do feel like I dedicated my life for nothing. Perhaps I didn't die in Afghanistan but I was sent back with a life that is not worth living. I hope and pray that this nightmare will be over soon because the longer I wait, the more disabled I become.
Thank you for reading my blog once again. I'm feeling lonely because I have no followers, so please follow me, leave me comments and let me know what you want to hear. Have a happy 4th of July and remember on that day that many of us gave up a lot for your freedom!!!!
God Bless,
Emme
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Beginning of the End
"I remember that face that use to look back at me in the mirror, the strong, stubborn girl that never showed any fear. I can see her eyes filled with anger and determination, feel her will to live and make sure her wish was never contested. I remember her smile and secret joy of life, her desire to make a difference until the day she died." Michelle D.
I may still be here alive and kicking, but I do feel as if I died in Afghanistan the moment I lost my vision. I never understood why the doctors struggled so much to tell me I had multiple sclerosis, why nurses in the hospital all felt obligated to hug me after I found out, until now 5 years later. I have since regained my vision but now wait to lose it again, deal with the ALL DAY leg pain (both or either or). I talk a lot about my illness, not at all to get pity but because I want to educate people, motivate them even because if honestly emotionally weak me can overcome this then I believe everyone else can overcome what comes their way as well. I wrote that poem, amongst many others, back when I first got diagnosed and had sworn I would only release them AFTER my 8 years as President of the United States, but since I don't have the energy nor the patience to try to become President, here's one! I wish I could say that I have the strength, well for anything really, but I honestly don't. Hours of my legs falling asleep, of them not wanting to even move, of my hands thinking they have Parkinson's Disease, of my entire body burning from the inside out doesn't leave me any desire to do anything. I've used what I have learned in psychology so far and I can tell you that I have 2 coping mechanisms, I get angry OR I start cracking jokes about my disability either way I can tell you this illness brakes me down like I never knew possible. So this is to me the beginning of the end, because thanks to America not believing in stem cell research or actually spending good money to find a cure, I know that today (a very hard day for me) is the best I am going to be. MS IS a different day every day but I do know that today is the best day of the rest of my life because unfortunately it is all downhill from here.
So if you are reading this I hope I have been even just a tiny piece of inspiration for you, because deep down that girl is hiding, waiting to come out in order to help but in psychology now because yes people still need me, but not to lead as much as to help! God Bless!
I may still be here alive and kicking, but I do feel as if I died in Afghanistan the moment I lost my vision. I never understood why the doctors struggled so much to tell me I had multiple sclerosis, why nurses in the hospital all felt obligated to hug me after I found out, until now 5 years later. I have since regained my vision but now wait to lose it again, deal with the ALL DAY leg pain (both or either or). I talk a lot about my illness, not at all to get pity but because I want to educate people, motivate them even because if honestly emotionally weak me can overcome this then I believe everyone else can overcome what comes their way as well. I wrote that poem, amongst many others, back when I first got diagnosed and had sworn I would only release them AFTER my 8 years as President of the United States, but since I don't have the energy nor the patience to try to become President, here's one! I wish I could say that I have the strength, well for anything really, but I honestly don't. Hours of my legs falling asleep, of them not wanting to even move, of my hands thinking they have Parkinson's Disease, of my entire body burning from the inside out doesn't leave me any desire to do anything. I've used what I have learned in psychology so far and I can tell you that I have 2 coping mechanisms, I get angry OR I start cracking jokes about my disability either way I can tell you this illness brakes me down like I never knew possible. So this is to me the beginning of the end, because thanks to America not believing in stem cell research or actually spending good money to find a cure, I know that today (a very hard day for me) is the best I am going to be. MS IS a different day every day but I do know that today is the best day of the rest of my life because unfortunately it is all downhill from here.
So if you are reading this I hope I have been even just a tiny piece of inspiration for you, because deep down that girl is hiding, waiting to come out in order to help but in psychology now because yes people still need me, but not to lead as much as to help! God Bless!
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