It has taken me 6 years to be able to say that. I have never denied that I am forever sick, but I have never used the word disabled to describe myself because I have always considered myself strong and unbreakable because I am a Soldier, I went to war dammit!
Today, on my 6 year anniversary I must confess I don't recognize myself anymore because I have changed for both the good and the bad. I will never deny that I'm a bit of a bitch but MS has made me nice because I no longer have the energy to point out how dumb some people are (this may be the only good quality).
But on the negative side I'm afraid of things like pizza because it makes me vomit right away. Not that pizza is the ONLY thing that has made me become friends with the porcelain god, throughout the years I've made a mental note of all the foods/restaurants never to try again. Let me clarify that vomiting is not a trait of MS however, problems with bowel movements are. It was 2007 that this problem originated and although I had an army of 6 different specialist, none were or have to this day given me a reason for this happening or have admitted it's MS. The vomiting comes from the constant constipation and like I TOLD one of my doctors back then, I figure if it doesn't come out one hole, it'll come out the other. I was fine with the issue before because it was only the last bite of food that I would vomit yet now I get horrible stomach pains that always make me think it's going to come out the right way but it comes out as vomit and not just the last bite but also all the way back to the food I ate the day before. This has been one of my constant companions, but not the only one.
The pain in my leg, my arms, my back, the constant burning feeling and the ants, the freaking ants all over my body have also been with me since the beginning. This pain (because it hurts like hell to burn from the inside) has made me convinced that I live on a pain scale of 7-8. Montel Williams explained it best on Oprah...imagine someone entered a burning rod from the bottom of your foot and just starts shaking it inside your leg, going higher and higher each time. This doesn't just happen throughout the day, no, MS burns you when your fast asleep and reminds you it's still there. But this isn't the only wrong thing with my legs, now they can't even support my 105lbs and I use a cane occasionally not only because I limp sometime but because I'm afraid that I would fall without it. Stress makes me do the Frankenstein and refuses to allow my legs to bend and turns my hands into claws that just won't go back to normal and when this happens, it's like a million ants were let lose on my body. Boy the tears I've cried because of this pain and the ER visits I've had to make.
The thing that hurts the most though are my memory problems and that it's just plain made me dumb! I always prided myself in being smarter then the regular average on many levels and yet now MS does the opposite of what I tell it to do. Take for example my everyday when there's something on the floor and I think, ok, go around it, MS walks straight to it and sometimes even kicks it or smashes it leading to my nickname being Godzilla in my house. Then there's my current job where a patient is found on the database by last name and last 4 of social, so if I read Uribe1234, I end up typing Uribe2345 pulling up a totally different patient and booking appointments for the wrong person. I may be new to this job but I'm tired of everyday being told I did something wrong. Call it my pride, but fuck, I hate this the most. I want to be smart again...
I am no longer in charge of my eating habits, my weight, my sleep, my energy level (because I'm tired the moment I wake up til the moment I go to sleep) this foreign thing that has invaded my life has now taken over. I have often joked around and called it the child I never wanted to have but it's now way past being funny, now it just hurts, I HURT!!!
I am here today because of God - because He seems to believe in me more than I have ever believed in myself. Britt my forever support who's walked through hell and back with me and never moved a bit from my side. My mother who always has prayers on her mind and friends like all of you who are reading this to help me with that letter to the Veterans Affairs. I have always considered myself a loner yet, now that I need a friend most you are there to give me a helping hand and not just 1 hand but many! No words will ever describe how thankful I am for all of you. You all have joined my circle of friends at different times, childhood, school, the military, work and yet you all mean the word to me...Don't ever change!
God Bless,
Emme
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