Mind over Matter...

"I believe in ghosts.  They're the ones who haunt us, the ones who have left us behind.  Many times in my life I have felt them around me, observing, witnessing, when no one in the living world knew or cared what happened."  -Orphan Train

Chemo, such a scary word for those with cancer, or so I thought...

Let me start from the beginning.  I have know since getting multiple sclerosis that chemo (a different type from the cancer chemo) was an option and I've prepared myself for it once before, but not now.  My marriage, it's at it's best, he has seen all my faults and loves me just the same.  How and when I got so lucky, I still do not know, but every day the thought of him brings a smile to my face.  I feel well at the moment, sure I have the annoying constants of burning sensations and fatigue but aside from that, I feel fine (we'll ignore the fact that I am forgetting a lot of things and even locked us out of the house).

I was finally able to get a neurologist at Nellis base and to my surprise, he was a doc I had seen in Hawaii, really sweet and professional.  We spend 2 hours in my 45 minute appointment because at seeing my newest MRI, we all panicked.  MS MRIs are something I've always considered to be cute in a childlike way...just a sky full of stars (lesions) but what can you consider it when the night sky is simply bright white?  It seems that although I'm taking Tecfidera twice a day, when it comes to me, they are not working.  Don't get me wrong, I was so excited that Tecfidera was made by the makers of Tysabri, a drug that brought me back to normal, except after taking Tysabri twice in 2 year increments (since it likes to misbehave after 2 years) by turning your brain into moosh which results in death.  Knowing that 2/3rds (both frontal and mid portion) of my brain are currently active and only 1/3 actually working I've finally realized that with the help of God, it really is MIND OVER MATTER.

Now, about a year later since I started the pills and have taken it religiously twice a day, I will get another MRI this Friday to see if it continues to be so bad and for the first time I feel like MS has brought out the big guns and as scared as I may be, I am ready!!!  I will be tested again to see if I do still carry the virus that kills and if I no longer do, then yes it'll be Tysabri again.  If I am still positive then, I will start using chemo.  I've been told that it doesn't really make you lose hair like the cancer chemo so in that respect I'm not really worried, however, chemo can give you cancer and that worries both me and Britt (he's a cancer survivor so he knows what I'd go through).  As much as I just want to yell, "bring it bitch" I can't deny that I will not give up without a fight, you can bet on that!  While my body has told me that I'll be lucky if I make it to 35, I've only felt the pain in form of nightmares which I haven't had since I was a child.   The idea does make me start dealing with MS and negotiating, not yet, please not yet, I'm okay with 5 more years, just at least give me that much because (although I may be mistaken) my life insurance goes up in price yet again...I've been paying for it for 8 years already so give my family their money.  Smile people, it's not like I'm saying I'm dying tomorrow!

Please keep me in your prayers and God bless,
Emme