I remember growing up wanting to be a model and having to go to elemantery school and only hear (from the boys in class and hater little girls) that I needed to gain some more weight, get a big butt and Lord did it get to me. To make things worse when I was 6, I got hit by a car when I was driving my bike across the street and since my parent's house was holding a Mexican novenario (prayer for the desist) and my friend Gaby was having a birthday party so you can just imagine how many people came to my rescue. Let me be the "adult" here and lecture you on one thing, when a child or anyone really is on the ground and in need of medical assistance, leave them alone (but cover them) UNTIL medical help arrives!!!!!!!!!! The first to reach me, was my uncle "Boots" like we call him dearly, and after insisting that I wake up and walk to which I couldn't, he asked Zefe a man know to be a "sobador" (a Mexican "chiropracter") to come help and make me better. I was picked up into someone's arms and Zefe got to fixing my leg with all good intentions I'm sure but did more damage then good. I had broken my femur, the strongest bone in the body...I don't remember much of that day, remember seeing the car before I crossed the street and thinking I could be faster, then remember waking up as I was being put into the ambulance and seeing the cops interrogate the driver, to which I yelled out that it was my fault. I never cried that day, BECAUSE I was so afraid of my father yelling at me, so I took that break like a champ. I didn't wake up again until I was in the operating room and watching the doctors cut open my outfit and then not again until I woke up alone in a room full of empty beds. I spent 1 month in the hospital while the doctors tried putting my femur and tibia back together. I had 3 surgeries, because as I cussed them out, they messed up the first time, I'll also take blame for again cussing them out the second time and the metal rod they attempted started infecting my leg. The third time finally worked and there I was, my left leg being hung up in the air, 4 empty wholes, 1 huge rod holding 2 ropes which at the other end held bags of sand and assisted to put the tibia back in place with the femur. The nurses always joked that that I was going to get kicked out of my bed since so many people stop buy to give me a gift, but I was 6, all I wanted was to see my friends which thanks to the fact that my room was right next to the kid's play room, none of them ever really stopped in to see me...they were always playing in the room next door, OR they started crying as soon as they saw how bad I looked. To make matter's worse, half way through my stay I was given medicine in strawberry milkshakes...I use to love strawberry milk shakes but that medicine was soooo bad, so yucky that those drinks always came back up and ended up all over my bed and my poor mother was constantly ignored, so there I laid, for hours at a time in my yucky Milkshake until someone finally paid attention. I got a full body cast when I finally got to home for a whole month, my left leg covered all the way to my toes, my right leg covered to my knee, my mid section up to my chest, with only one big hole to be able to go to the bathroom, and a huge stick between my left and right leg to not allow my legs to never connect and damage the left leg...So there I was know, 6 and having to learn how to walk again, have home schooling. When I finally got back to my 1st grade class, I never wore anything short again, but the bullies were ruthless...not only was I considered too skinny, no big butt, and 6 precious holes right below my knee...if that doesn't give you a complex, I don't know what will! After the accident, I started 2nd grade, and met my first angel...my teacher, Mrs. Wong. She always called me her little princess and gave me extra gold fishes for all my right answers!!! To this day, she is in my heart and my favorite teacher because she was the good, in my always shitty home environment!
"Taking many lovers, [I] developed a terrible reputation at [my] job..." (The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe) in the military, but know it wasn't "lovers" as in one was in my bed everyday, more like relationships where 3 were waiting when one walked away. But the story doesn't start there, it begins in a bath tub and a secret. "...Perhaps even being forced into adulthood..." sigh, being shown to do something that only adults should know how to do when you are 4 or 5 is always a secret, isn't it, our secret. From that young age, I learned that IF I wanted the love my parents were too busy to give me, I began to believe that I needed to do something sexual, that that was the only way I'd hear I love you. I "couldn't feel myself and I thought that the world had ended. Everything seemed so far away and like nothing else could" be well anymore. Sigh, because I have heard since I became willing to open about that day, I've realized that more and more people I meet are willing to share that they have gone through similar situations, and let me be adult again, and tell you, that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Unfortunately bad people are everywhere so it will happen, HOWEVER, you've made me! IF this has happened to you and you're reading this, YOU MADE IT!!! So the next time you feel like crying, stop yourself and turn those sad tears into happy tears, because you made it!!!
Of course, the bullies in Elementary school were really a joke...I met the big bullies once I got the military! I would never say, I'm a beautiful girl, I'm okay, and IF I take the time to fix myself up I can look pretty, but never beautiful...I was taught to be humble! In the gold ol' army though, any overweight girl, of girl that didn't consider themselves "ok" LOVED picking on me. I started A school engaged which did not work out and the next day, I was getting proposed to by the cutest guy in the unit...oh lord, what a mess that became! I didn't marry that guy either because my FIRST fiance had walked back in to my life, told a bunch of lies and cost that engagement! I had been engaged 3 times by the time I was 18 and while I don't regret ANY of the engagements, only 1 survived in a friendship. Anyways, in A school, the fatties hated BAD on me when Jared proposed, like I said, he was the cutest guy in the unit and they did not like that I was getting flowers and the such. Every night we have to sit outside our rooms for drill sergeant to take bedroom check, and the girls would hit there talking about they could smell the sex...ha, don't hate!!! Thing is, after that engagement was canceled I began dating a marine with a car...nice, and I can say, he was the best boyfriend EVER and in every way, MY ANGEL! Turned me into a real life pretty woman, and made me classier than my parents had ever taught me to be, should have taught me how to drive since my parents never did, but that's a whole different story! Once I was in a relationship that I felt secure in, I became the bully! My then boyfriend was nice, and he let his marine friends to borrow his car to take his army girl friends out. Back in those days, A school worked in a home prize type of environment, do good in school and you get rewarded! The marines that were borrowing his car, were taking army chicks that had not yet earned the privilege to go off base, so I become the one making loud comments to the young girls. I know bullying isn't right, I know that it can caused a lot of damage, but understand, that those that are bulling you are doing it because that's exactly how they feel!!! For all those girls that are telling you you're too fat, are doing it because although they may be skinny in your eyes, doesn't mean they don't get called fat at home! Or those that pick on you cause you're gay, they either heard the same words towards them OR they may be thinking about coming out of the closest too. Know, that bullies are the ones with the emotional problems, so you shouldn't cause you any! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, FUNNY, SMART AND UNSTOPPABLE!
"The only thing to fear, is fear itself" Franklin D. Roosevelt. While this quote has always been one of my favorite I didn't apply it to my life until I was serving in the war and again this year when I finally learned to quietly embrace multiple sclerosis. So, my advice to you, if you'll take any is to go ahead and fall, cry your eyes out, and then pick yourself back up, hold your head up high and continue walking towards your dream! Psychology will tell you, that once you've overcome one PTSD event, any other event that can cause PTSD will seem like a piece of cake! So, smile because like I said before, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, FUNNY, SMART AND UNSTOPPABLE!!!
God Bless,
Emme
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