Mind over Matter...

"I believe in ghosts.  They're the ones who haunt us, the ones who have left us behind.  Many times in my life I have felt them around me, observing, witnessing, when no one in the living world knew or cared what happened."  -Orphan Train

Chemo, such a scary word for those with cancer, or so I thought...

Let me start from the beginning.  I have know since getting multiple sclerosis that chemo (a different type from the cancer chemo) was an option and I've prepared myself for it once before, but not now.  My marriage, it's at it's best, he has seen all my faults and loves me just the same.  How and when I got so lucky, I still do not know, but every day the thought of him brings a smile to my face.  I feel well at the moment, sure I have the annoying constants of burning sensations and fatigue but aside from that, I feel fine (we'll ignore the fact that I am forgetting a lot of things and even locked us out of the house).

I was finally able to get a neurologist at Nellis base and to my surprise, he was a doc I had seen in Hawaii, really sweet and professional.  We spend 2 hours in my 45 minute appointment because at seeing my newest MRI, we all panicked.  MS MRIs are something I've always considered to be cute in a childlike way...just a sky full of stars (lesions) but what can you consider it when the night sky is simply bright white?  It seems that although I'm taking Tecfidera twice a day, when it comes to me, they are not working.  Don't get me wrong, I was so excited that Tecfidera was made by the makers of Tysabri, a drug that brought me back to normal, except after taking Tysabri twice in 2 year increments (since it likes to misbehave after 2 years) by turning your brain into moosh which results in death.  Knowing that 2/3rds (both frontal and mid portion) of my brain are currently active and only 1/3 actually working I've finally realized that with the help of God, it really is MIND OVER MATTER.

Now, about a year later since I started the pills and have taken it religiously twice a day, I will get another MRI this Friday to see if it continues to be so bad and for the first time I feel like MS has brought out the big guns and as scared as I may be, I am ready!!!  I will be tested again to see if I do still carry the virus that kills and if I no longer do, then yes it'll be Tysabri again.  If I am still positive then, I will start using chemo.  I've been told that it doesn't really make you lose hair like the cancer chemo so in that respect I'm not really worried, however, chemo can give you cancer and that worries both me and Britt (he's a cancer survivor so he knows what I'd go through).  As much as I just want to yell, "bring it bitch" I can't deny that I will not give up without a fight, you can bet on that!  While my body has told me that I'll be lucky if I make it to 35, I've only felt the pain in form of nightmares which I haven't had since I was a child.   The idea does make me start dealing with MS and negotiating, not yet, please not yet, I'm okay with 5 more years, just at least give me that much because (although I may be mistaken) my life insurance goes up in price yet again...I've been paying for it for 8 years already so give my family their money.  Smile people, it's not like I'm saying I'm dying tomorrow!

Please keep me in your prayers and God bless,
Emme

I've been here before...

   How many times, have I NOT been here before...the same thing, "you're lesions are acting up and are now active."  It's been 6 years that I have been hearing those words time and time again...I already knew, I was already dropping some of my medications and letting go of prozac seemed to me to have solved the problem.  But that wasn't what was wrong this time...

   Every time this happens I think about my months before leaving for Afghanistan, when the army had finally believed that something was wrong with me and had approved me for an MRI.  Back to that day, when 1ST had a talk with me about NOT taking that MRI, because IF they found something, I would no long be deploy-able, and I was needed he said.  Needed for what 1SG, to have someone to keep you distracted while we were out there???  I'm sorry I didn't place my bigger boobs on your desk like Courtney use to (I would have won if I had, because mine are way bigger) but I suppose I was needed out there for the drama that always followed me thanks to Hos.  Courtney, when will you tell Flaherty that whatever happened that day that she was mad at me for losing my mask wasn't even my fault, because the last thing I had said that day, was "while yes I made have given it to SSG Flaherty, let me go check, since no one had told me we were suppose to turn them back in" but SSG was so mad, I always thought they she had gotten yelled at for my mistake too and I remember that before we took off, 1SG would bring Courtney and I in to ask about who was giving up problems so he could find a reason for him to yell at them for and I figure, that day, Flaherty had been on the shit list.  But anyways, enough of that, while I found a way to look beyond the bombs and the Taliban, I actually  found myself out there and actually had a good time looking up at the stars.  I've always wondered though, how much longer would I have to live had I stayed in Germany and started treating my MS 1 year sooner???

   Call me superstitious (I am Mexican you know), but I've known since the age 8 that something was not right with me.  I started asking for back massages since that age, because even then, my back would always hurt so bad...BUT we always blamed it on getting hit by a car at age 6.  Thing is, I always knew it was worse, had always prepared myself for that day when I stood in the doctors office and got the bad news, I just always thought it would be cancer and that I would get a time frame, never this, never MS.  "Don't worry, you're going to be okay,"  that was the last thing you told me Chong, that night that I left Afghanistan, and the first time, I realized that day for the bad news was only hours away.  I have never forgotten those words Chong, so I want to thank you for having told me that, because those words are still my mantra...things are ok, I will be okay.  I WILL BE OKAY!

God Bless,

Michelle

Lone Ranger

Aside from being the title of a great movie with Johnny Depp, those two words have always in a way, been what I considered myself, simply a lone ranger!  This movie however means more than just having a title I can relate not on an individual level,but on a cultural level!

I had started this blog, long before V. nobody came about and messed with a poor foolish ma that as far as I have read, suffers from dementia. Stupid stupid women, way to make us look bad!!!  Although I am from California, I have never really cared for the Clippers, HOWEVER my husband had just worked with the coach that had just been transferred from Boston to the Clippers and because my husband always talked so high about him I had learned to love the coach.  Being someone that also studies psychology, I know enough about dementia and the sort and know that you have to take what they say with a grain of salt.  But anyways, this blog was never about any of them.  Racism still exists, and not just against black people, I learned that in all white Maine, lol!!!

But Lone Ranger, for me, never had to do with race, but just the idea of me against the world.  Trust me when I say that my life was never suppose to be that way, I didn't want to block everyone out of my life, life, and those around me, never really had the time to notice the bratty little girl that I was and the few that did never stuck around for too long, so in so many ways, I raised myself with books and school.  My siblings, where 9-10 years older than me so they wanted nothing to do with me, so I pretty much only had Nano, my gay friend, who let go of me and went his own way by the time I was in Junior High.  So then it was just me and the books again and the t.v., because watching Family Matters or Urcle or even friends, made me feel like life wasn't as shitty as it really was.  To join the army and have to be "part of a platoon" was harder than anyone knew for that reason.  I had taken that CIA test once, long before I had even thought about the military, you know that test that you use to be able to take IF you wanted to know what CIA job would be best for you???  They don't have that test anymore, I've looked, but back then, it suggested I work as a lone agent, thing is I often think about that....IF I would have gotten counter intel in the Army, would I have finally been able to make my secret dream come true?  Lauren, you have been on my mind a lot too...can you understand now why I told on you???  I saw you learning from me, becoming a lot like me and I didn't want that, not for you.  You're beautiful self, deserved so much I thought, so much more than my shitty lonely life, not to mentioned, you broke rule number 1, you never promise any one guy a forever IF you are seeing multiple, but I didn't know how to flat out tell you that back then.  When our boyfriends were living on separate floors of the same house, you don't know how bad I wanted to run downstairs and have a cigarette with you when I'd hear you yelling, but I knew what I had done, and I knew that I didn't deserve to be your friend anymore.  I've missed you, been missing you, needing my way prettier sister.

God Bless,
Emme

Dangerous Memories

How do I even start to explain myself,when my brain is badly damaged and my emotions can't always be trusted.  I continue to tell myself to stop looking into the past...it's back there for a reason...the job, never liked it, the friends disappeared, and in life, I always say that honestly in these 30 years I've lived I've accomplished more then I had ever imagined, so stop, fucked up brain girly emotions.  IF IT WAS MEANT TO BE I WOULDN'T BE RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW in this beautiful house with a beautiful family.  I hope and pray that the rest of you are enjoying your lives too!  Secret squirrels, if you miss me, call, write I'm still here just as moody, but I'm done.  We've all walked away and have been doing well, so why look back into 8 years ago...there's nothing there, not anymore!

Advice

Although I have mentally written to other blogs, I wanted to stop and give you some advice that I told myself since I was in high school...once you've landed on your feet...trust in God and make the best of your surroundings.  I think growing up in a Disney world, we search for the happily ever after that we forget, that every breath we take should bring a smile to our face!  You brought yourself to this point your in, to deny, to turn away from the choice you made, is honesty to admit that you did it all wrong.  If you're anything like me, you'll know you didn't!

God bless,
Emme

Monsters and Angels

    I remember growing up wanting to be a model and having to go to elemantery school and only hear (from the boys in class and hater little girls) that I needed to gain some more weight, get a big butt and Lord did it get to me.  To make things worse when I was 6, I got hit by a car when I was driving my bike across the street and since my parent's house was holding a Mexican novenario (prayer for the desist) and my friend Gaby was having a birthday party so you can just imagine how many people came to my rescue.  Let me be the "adult" here and lecture you on one thing, when a child or anyone really is on the ground and in need of medical assistance, leave them alone (but cover them) UNTIL medical help arrives!!!!!!!!!!  The first to reach me, was my uncle "Boots" like we call him dearly, and after insisting that I wake up and walk to which I couldn't, he asked Zefe a man know to be a "sobador" (a Mexican "chiropracter") to come help and make me better.  I was picked up into someone's arms and Zefe got to fixing my leg with all good intentions I'm sure but did more damage then good.  I had broken my femur, the strongest bone in the body...I don't remember much of that day, remember seeing the car before I crossed the street and thinking I could be faster, then remember waking up as I was being put into the ambulance and seeing the cops interrogate the driver, to which I yelled out that it was my fault. I never cried that day, BECAUSE I was so afraid of my father yelling at me, so I took that break like a champ.  I didn't wake up again until I was in the operating room and watching the doctors cut open my outfit and then not again until I woke up alone in a room full of empty beds.  I spent 1 month in the hospital while the doctors tried putting my femur and tibia back together.  I had 3 surgeries, because as I cussed them out, they messed up the first time, I'll also take blame for again cussing them out the second time and the metal rod they attempted started infecting my leg.  The third time finally worked and there I was, my left leg being hung up in the air, 4 empty wholes, 1 huge rod holding 2 ropes which at the other end held bags of sand and assisted to put the tibia back in place with the femur.  The nurses always joked that that I was going to get kicked out of my bed since so many people stop buy to give me a gift, but I was 6, all I wanted was to see my friends which thanks to the fact that my room was right next to the kid's play room, none of them ever really stopped in to see me...they were always playing in the room next door, OR they started crying as soon as they saw how bad I looked.  To make matter's worse, half way through my stay I was given medicine in strawberry milkshakes...I use to love strawberry milk shakes but that medicine was soooo bad, so yucky that those drinks always came back up and ended up all over my bed and my poor mother was constantly ignored, so there I laid, for hours at a time in my yucky Milkshake until someone finally paid attention.  I got a full body cast when I finally got to home for a whole month, my left leg covered all the way to my toes, my right leg covered to my knee, my mid section up to my chest, with only one big hole to be able to go to the bathroom, and a huge stick between my left and right leg to not allow my legs to never connect and damage the left leg...So there I was know, 6 and having to learn how to walk again, have home schooling.  When I finally got back to my 1st grade class, I never wore anything short again, but the bullies were ruthless...not only was I considered too skinny, no big butt, and 6 precious holes right below my knee...if that doesn't give you a complex, I don't know what will!  After the accident, I started 2nd grade, and met my first angel...my teacher, Mrs. Wong.  She always called me her little princess and gave me extra gold fishes for all my right answers!!!  To this day, she is in my heart and my favorite teacher because she was the good, in my always shitty home environment!

 "Taking many lovers, [I] developed a terrible reputation at [my] job..." (The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe) in the military, but know it wasn't "lovers" as in one was in my bed everyday, more like relationships where 3 were waiting when one walked away.  But the story doesn't start there, it begins in a bath tub and a secret.  "...Perhaps even being forced into adulthood..." sigh, being shown to do something that only adults should know how to do when you are 4 or 5 is always a secret, isn't it, our secret.  From that young age, I learned that IF I wanted the love my parents were too busy to give me, I began to believe that I needed to do something sexual, that that was the only way I'd hear I love you.  I "couldn't feel myself and I thought that the world had ended. Everything seemed so far away and like nothing else could" be well anymore.  Sigh, because I have heard since I became willing to open about that day, I've realized that more and more people I meet are willing to share that they have gone through similar situations, and let me be adult again, and tell you, that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!  Unfortunately bad people are everywhere so it will happen, HOWEVER, you've made me!  IF this has happened to you and you're reading this, YOU MADE IT!!!  So the next time you feel like crying, stop yourself and turn those sad tears into happy tears, because you made it!!!

Of course, the bullies in Elementary school were really a joke...I met the big bullies once I got the military!  I would never say, I'm a beautiful girl, I'm okay, and IF I take the time to fix myself up I can look pretty, but never beautiful...I was taught to be humble!  In the gold ol' army though, any overweight girl, of girl that didn't consider themselves "ok" LOVED picking on me.  I started A school engaged which did not work out and the next day, I was getting proposed to by the cutest guy in the unit...oh lord, what a mess that became!  I didn't marry that guy either because my FIRST fiance had walked back in to my life, told a bunch of lies and cost that engagement!  I had been engaged 3 times by the time I was 18 and while I don't regret ANY of the engagements, only 1 survived in a friendship.  Anyways, in A school, the fatties hated BAD on me when Jared proposed, like I said, he was the cutest guy in the unit and they did not like that I was getting flowers and the such.  Every night we have to sit outside our rooms for drill sergeant to take bedroom check, and the girls would hit there talking about they could smell the sex...ha, don't hate!!!  Thing is, after that engagement was canceled I began dating a marine with a car...nice, and I can say, he was the best boyfriend EVER and in every way, MY ANGEL!  Turned me into a real life pretty woman, and made me classier than my parents had ever taught me to be, should have taught me how to drive since my parents never did, but that's a whole different story!  Once I was in a relationship that I felt secure in, I became the bully!  My then boyfriend was nice, and he let his marine friends to borrow his car to take his army girl friends out.  Back in those days, A school worked in a home prize type of environment, do good in school and you get rewarded!  The marines that were borrowing his car, were taking army chicks that had not yet earned the privilege to go off base, so I become the one making loud comments to the young girls.  I know bullying isn't right, I know that it can caused a lot of damage, but understand, that those that are bulling you are doing it because that's exactly how they feel!!!  For all those girls that are telling you you're too fat, are doing it because although they may be skinny in your eyes, doesn't mean they don't get called fat at home!  Or those that pick on you cause you're gay, they either heard the same words towards them OR they may be thinking about coming out of the closest too.  Know, that bullies are the ones with the emotional problems, so you shouldn't cause you any!  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, FUNNY, SMART AND UNSTOPPABLE!

"The only thing to fear, is fear itself"  Franklin D. Roosevelt.  While this quote has always been one of my favorite I didn't apply it to my life until I was serving in the war and again this year when I finally learned to quietly embrace multiple sclerosis.  So, my advice to you, if you'll take any is to go ahead and fall, cry your eyes out, and then pick yourself back up, hold your head up high and continue walking towards your dream!  Psychology will tell you, that once you've overcome one PTSD event, any other event that can cause PTSD will seem like a piece of cake!  So, smile because like I said before, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, FUNNY, SMART AND UNSTOPPABLE!!!

God Bless,
Emme

What Happens Now???

   I've been hear before, with those very same words...what happens now?  My husband hates that I haven't let go of the military, but how can I when my life brings me back to the same feeling I felt that day???  Sigh, back then,8 years ago, I already had my plan, register for a college in Texas, buy a house and start my new life...but of course, life, God, karma, something, whatever brought on the precious multiple sclerosis, and yes, I talk about MS a lot, but how can I not, when my left arm is struggling to move?

   So now, here I am dying of cold with this difficult snow and you can't deny that Jesus is not happy with us right now.  Okay, on the serious side, I'm moving to warming weather which also brought back different memories.  Britt has always asked "where do you want to live?"  Sigh, I would have originally said Germany, but I'm starting to believe that that is where I got MS, but not anymore, since we are going to a desert, it finally came to me that the first place I felt I was home in, was Arizona...a very brutal sun that left a mean farmer's tan (there was no way to look cute in a dress with that!)  Then came Afghanistan, with extremely hot summers and very cold winters and yet, I use to love staying out to see all the stars out there.  So now I'm off to Vegas a place I have always consider Satan's playground BECAUSE I know that weather is going to make me feel a little better.

   So, I have decided to give myself 2 years, just 2 quick years to sample the weather knowing full well that the sun, while CAN make me feel better might just affect my Durkish Delight might have the opposite outcome and his Milenoma might come back but with God's help everything will be okay!!!  IF everything is good to go, I am willing to start convincing Britt to have a child with me (he doesn't want a kid, but who wouldn't want another ME)!!!  I am well aware that having a child with my MS is going to be like asking to die, BUT I'm a tough girl...I will put my health in God's hands and rest assure knowing I have life insurance and my family will be taken care of!

God Bless,
Emme