The hard road to the never was

In the last couple of months, since leaving my job and having more than enough time to sit down and think, I've been reminiscing on my past and all the good doors that opened for me.  Although I usually am such a pessimist, it is wonderful to remember, I could have been...

At 8 I had the chance to model (won best runway walk in one competition, read lines for the newest Miracle on 34th Street, and was in a Hispanic Newspaper).  In 5th grade my school chorus teacher nominated me for an advanced choir done outside of school and because of transportation or lack there of I settled for the signing part of Nala in "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from the Lion King in one of the school's assembly...still wonder how good my voice could have gotten.  Now, in 6th grade my class was given a project to do something from the past (or something like that).  I chose to do fashions of years past and got a few books from the library to gather pictures of how people use to dress.  I drew out a dress from different years as far back as the 1800s and got such good grade and my teacher loved my sketches so much, I never stopped drawing and designing UNTIL my freshman year in high school.  My freshman year in high school (in a team project again) I turned in some more fashion designs and was approached by my school counselor with an offer to start college for design.  I had to draw up a college she said of at least 30 designs and everything ended there.  To think that my favorite hobby was going to be a JOB killed my dream.

Since junior high though, I always knew I was born to be a psychologist.  While I have always been a loner, EVERYBODY from friends to strangers, hobos, prisoners, everyone always found it so easy to talk to me, open up about everything and genuinely want my advice.  By the time I ended high school and entered the Army, I knew I was born to be a psychologist.  I was a great therapist if you ask me, winning Psychology student of the year in college and honestly helping more people than I ever thought possible while I was in college.  I could have been wonderful, could have made a name for myself had it not been for...sigh, who or what do you even blame for an illness that you both love and hate?  I've talked to God many times, have told Him that I understand He's put me through all my trials and tribulations so that I can help those around me, and I don't understand why He would bring something onto me that now forbids me to continue to help but who am I to question His plans?

So here I am, 2 days away from pleading my case to try to get fully retired, trying to give myself the support I succeeded at giving others.  So while college for my PhD might be out of the question since driving thanks to attacks is no longer recommended, I am going back to fashion design, not to be the Hispanic Vera Wang but because I want to dress myself in a modern 1950s look.  So while my legs are giving up my heart is not and I will be a somebody, to myself if no one else.  The hard road to the never was will become My Sunshine.

God Bless and keep dreaming,
Emme

No Sugar(coating) please.

Okay, so here it is...no tears, just the painful truth...

• I once was blind and now I see (boy does that song make me cry
• I've had a stoke-like facial droop
• I've had a bad liver because of all the medication I've been on...it's fixed itself but once a damaged liver always a damaged I was told
• I can tell you only steaks, mashed potatoes, steamed vegetables, french fries and fettuccine Alfredo don't make me vomit, everything else has a good chance of coming back up
• I always miss a step going down the stairs
• In the 1st month of having MS while giving myself self-administered shots,I accidentally put my medication into a vein, collapsed and the German ER thought I was having a heart attack
• I have failed using the injections copaxone, rebiff, avonex  which is not good
• My brain has so many lesions that even since the first MRI the docs have always been afraid to show it to me, and the MRI techs have always felt so sorry for me
• I've been to the ER so many times I can tell you exactly how the visit is going to go
• I've lost mobility of both my legs for a short time
• If it wasn't for my navigation system I'd probably never find home
• I've forgotten account passwords that I've used for 15 some years
• I dropped things I'm holding way too often because my hands won't grip them properly
• All top secret information I once new is now gone, I don't remember
• While I am mostly constipated, I do have moments where I accidentally poop myself (just a tiny bit though, I run to the bathroom and save myself)
• I have lost feeling in my hands and my legs (I burned one of my legs once with the curling iron and never even noticed until I started smelling burning flesh)
• I throw up everywhere, public transportation, people's yards, my living room floor, all over my car
• I miss running
• I can no longer wear heels and I hate flats
• I cry way to much and way too strong because I end up sending myself into anxiety attacks
• Anxiety attacks = severe burning on both arms, legs, and middle portion of my body with all the ant feeling to an extreme, sometimes followed by vomiting
• I lose weight all the time and I hate it!
• I bought my dog for unconditional love and the sucker loves my family more than me
• In really bad moments I start talking like a deaf person, who's talking but still can't figure out exactly how to pronounce words
• As much as I feared wheelchairs, now I can't wait to get into one!  If you see me in one at the grocery store, you better move out of my way!
• I really do feel stupid now 
• I have decided to give up on my dream of becoming a psychologist (which I'm great at) just to be selfish for a minute and take care of the pain...I was going to be somebody, sigh
• I feel like the worse wife in the world for having dragged Britt into this hell
• If my end were to come tomorrow, I would go with a smile because in life I've done everything I wanted to do and then some and it'd be nice for the pain to go away

So here it is, I know I probably forgot a lot of things, but that's MS always so forgetful!

Hi my name is Michelle and I am disabled...

     It has taken me 6 years to be able to say that.  I have never denied that I am forever sick, but I have never used the word disabled to describe myself because I have always considered myself strong and unbreakable because I am a Soldier, I went to war dammit!
     Today, on my 6 year anniversary I must confess I don't recognize myself anymore because I have changed for both the good and the bad.  I will never deny that I'm a bit of a bitch but MS has made me nice because I no longer have the energy to point out how dumb some people are (this may be the only good quality).
     But on the negative side I'm afraid of things like pizza because it makes me vomit right away.  Not that pizza is the ONLY thing that has made me become friends with the porcelain god, throughout the years I've made a mental note of all the foods/restaurants never to try again.  Let me clarify that vomiting is not a trait of MS however, problems with bowel movements are.  It was 2007 that this problem originated and although I had an army of 6 different specialist, none were or have to this day given me a reason for this happening or have admitted it's MS.  The vomiting comes from the constant constipation and like I TOLD  one of my doctors back then, I figure if it doesn't come out one hole, it'll come out the other.  I was fine with the issue before because it was only the last bite of food that I would vomit yet now I get horrible stomach pains that always make me think it's going to come out the right way but it comes out as vomit and not just the last bite but also all the way  back to the food I ate the day before.  This has been one of my constant companions, but not the only one.
     The pain in my leg, my arms, my back, the constant burning feeling and the ants, the freaking ants all over my body have also been with me since the beginning.  This pain (because it hurts like hell to burn from the inside) has made me convinced that I live on a pain scale of 7-8.  Montel Williams explained it best on Oprah...imagine someone entered a burning rod from the bottom of your foot and just starts shaking it inside your leg, going higher and higher each time. This doesn't just happen throughout the day, no, MS burns you when your fast asleep and reminds you it's still there.  But this isn't the only wrong thing with my legs, now they can't even support my 105lbs and I use a cane occasionally not only because I limp sometime but because I'm afraid that I would fall without it.  Stress makes me do the Frankenstein and refuses to allow my legs to bend and turns my hands into claws that just won't go back to normal and when this happens, it's like a million ants were let lose on my body. Boy the tears I've cried because of this pain and the ER visits I've had to make.
     The thing that hurts the most though are my memory problems and that it's just plain made me dumb!  I always prided myself in being smarter then the regular average on many levels and yet now MS does the opposite of what I tell it to do.  Take for example my everyday when there's something on the floor and I think, ok, go around it, MS walks straight to it and sometimes even kicks it or smashes it leading to my nickname being Godzilla in my house.  Then there's my current job where a patient is found on the database by last name and last 4 of social, so if I read Uribe1234, I end up typing Uribe2345 pulling up a totally different patient and booking appointments for the wrong person.  I may be new to this job but I'm tired of everyday being told I did something wrong.  Call it my pride, but fuck, I hate this the most.  I want to be smart again...
     I am no longer in charge of my eating habits, my weight, my sleep, my energy level (because I'm tired the moment I wake up til the moment I go to sleep) this foreign thing that has invaded my life has now taken over.  I have often joked around and called it the child I never wanted to have but it's now way past being funny, now it just hurts, I HURT!!!
     I am here today because of God - because He seems to believe in me more than I have ever believed in myself.  Britt my forever support who's walked through hell and back with me and never  moved a bit from my side.  My mother who always has prayers on her mind and friends like all of you who are reading this to help me with that letter to the Veterans Affairs.  I have always considered myself a loner yet, now that I need a friend most you are there to give me a helping hand and not just 1 hand but many!  No words will ever describe how thankful I am for all of you. You all have joined my circle of friends at different times, childhood, school, the military, work and yet you all mean the word to me...Don't ever change!

God Bless,
Emme

Thank YOU Lord!

As I lay here on top of a bag of ice in excruciating pain, I can't help but reflect on my current blessings...although the VA pushed me beyond my tolerance (to the point where the cops on duty would get up every time I walked into the VA office because I would get so loud), the Lord answered my prayers and I finally got my lump sum.  Let me clarify that my faith hasn't always been strong.  Growing up I attended mass only because I was forced to.  Through the years I always prayed on my own time but after MS I was angry enough to renounce my faith, because MY God wouldn't do something so horrible to me.  It took me 2 years to understand my illness, myself, and my faith.  Many say God only gives you what you can handle and I've always joked that He must think very highly of me, but the more I say it, the more I believe it.  All my trials and tribulations were, I understand now, were because God does have a plan for me to become a great psychologist.  Now I can say (although its a huge no-no to share your personal life to your patients) I can say, I know how you feel because I've been there myself.

Anyways, enough about me.  God has taken my vision because I couldn't see with it, He took my walking ability because He wanted me to get on my knees, He has turned my words into gibberish because that was all that I was really saying.  I heard the message loud and clear, I ended up in Catholic mass listening to a message I swear was written for me, I dropped down on my knees, I cried, I said my prayers and I saw the word of the Lord.

My blessings didn't end after my VA compensation, I then received a call from the job in Maine I had applied for to have a phone interview (I have my second one on Tuesday).  Today I quit my job here in Hawaii which is on all accounts an enormous relief because it's just full of drama.  My husband and I have found a townhouse in a remote location in the country with an owner that already is just so sweet I would love to have him as a landlord.

In a couple of weeks, my husband and I will be departing what I have considered MY HELL and intend on taking a drive cross country.  My heaven, my cool moments in the snow in Maine will begin shortly, and for that all I can say is "THANK YOU LORD!"

Keep believing and God Bless,
Emme

To be or not to be...

I just read an article called "Being the grown-up the kid in you always wanted".  The author Sarah McColl stated that psychologists believe that ages 8-10 is when someone is their authentic selves, which got me thinking, who was I back then?  I remember back then I already understood that I did not belong in the ghetto neighborhood where I was born and raised.  Through those ages I can't remember what I wanted to be when I grew up but since I've always been skinny, I bought into the hype that I needed to be a model so until around 4th grade I was convinced I was going to be Miss Universe.  In sixth grade I realized I was a great fashion designer and so I started a book of designs.  Then in 8 grade I discovered psychology and realized (having been born and raised in the ghetto) that inmates needed psychological support the most.  In high school and the first years in the military I was so into politics that I had already begun to plan my campaign...I was a total liberal back then but war did change my views in the opposite direction.  After going through war and getting diagnosed with MS, my mind started considering psychology again and after reading that article I realized that I was 8 when I lost someone I loved to suicide...If at that age I was my authentic self then I can tell you that at that moment all I wanted to do was reverse time, get on the phone and help her through her hell.  To this day I haven't forgiven myself for her death but now I wonder, knowing psychology is indeed my final destination, which form of psychology is now my constant struggle.

When I began college I began my major in psychology with a focus on PTSD.  Just like war turned me from liberal to conservative it also made me reconsider who needed my help the most.  When I was in Afghanistan, I was always the tough girl that always told the rest of the girls not to cry, we were soldiers at war, no crying needed!  And then one night in late October a medi-vac call came in, a soldier had lost both legs due to a grenade, which is unfortunately not surprising, but the tears I could hear coming through that night had ME crying that day.  I could tell that the SSG that passed away that day meant a lot to his soldiers and since that day, I've carried him with me as well.  I promised his memory that I would take care of his soldiers and  talking to so many veterans I realized that it's easy for me to talk to them and fortunately it's easy for them to talk to me and my desire to assist gained me the psychology of the year award.  I have helped a few guys through their sleepless nights, through their fear of being in crowded areas, and have helped them find and pursue their dreams with success and still their are so many more that at the moment I don't have enough education to help just yet.

With that being said though, I'd be lying if I said PTSD was my first passion, because the more I study both psychology and myself, I can state that I find abnormal psychology the most interesting thing in the world.  I became one of the many followers of the Casey Anthony case BECAUSE although I do not believe she is innocent, I wouldn't love anything more than to be able to have one session with her.  I wouldn't expect to hear the truth but the curiosity of what really goes through a psychopath's mind is too interesting to want to resist.  Not just psychological disorders like that interest me, but all the serious disorders like that intrigue me...I KNOW it's easy for me to reach and help people with depression and PTSD, but could I rise to the occasion of dealing with disorders that big?

Since I first got diagnosed with MS, many of my doctors have suggested that I help other people with their disorders since I appear to handling it so well (not that I do, I just don't let it show).  For about 3 years I've been getting treated in cancer wards and to see the unspoken pain on their faces simply kills me. 

So I find myself lost in so many ways...I know I want to get my masters in abnormal psychology only because I remember my Abnormal book taught me a little of all of these fields and I can not choose.  To be or not to be????  I decide to be a little bit of everything because when it is all said and done, we all suffer some form of a psychological disease and I do not want to EVER turn my back on anyone...that is my dedication to those I've lost because they have guided me to it.

Dedicate your life for nothing...

I have died in this lonely country, in the middle of this war,
have torn apart my memories, forgotten all I've ever known.
I looked into the past and felt sorrow,
for the lonely nights remembered, for no hope for tomorrow.
So, I died in this county in the middle of his war,
Laid myself to rest and thought of me no more.

I wrote that poem towards the end of my year long deployment to Afghanistan around the time I KNEW something was physically wrong with me.  Around this time, after 2 years of complaining about numbness in my legs and always being told that it was a pinched nerve that kept happening because I'm so small rucking so much, I had lost hope.   My symptoms were ignored UNTIL I lost my vision.  Everyone around me expected me to be scared, but I never was.  I had convinced myself that I only had sand in my eyes from all of the Afghan sand storms.  I thought I was lucky, I was leaving 2 weeks earlier then the rest of my unit, I had avoided the trip to Kuwait  AND all so that they just flush my eyes out and tell me I was fine!  It was suppose to end that way, but it did not.  You have multiple sclerosis the doctors told me and boy did life really end.

I have never regretted joining the Army, it did allow me to see the world BUT is this pain really worth the memories?  I was fortunate that the military quickly retires soldiers for this illness because without the military taking care of me I don't know what I would do.  However, it's been 5 years now and at this moment my face is moving to the right (not the fist time it happens).  The 30% disability rating that the army gave me is not enough...I struggle to walk, I throw up almost every day, I don't have bowl movements, I have stroke like symptoms, I loose feeling....I am miserable!

17 months ago I requested an increase in my disability from the VA (everyone says they are nicer then the military) BUT they still haven't come up with a decision.  My case has since gone from California to Hawaii, to Ohio, back to Hawaii.  I have spoken to managers in the VA, written to Congressmen and still its getting ignored.  So now I do feel like I dedicated my life for nothing.  Perhaps I didn't die in Afghanistan but I was sent back with a life that is not worth living.  I hope and pray that this nightmare will be over soon because the longer I wait, the more disabled I become.

Thank you for reading my blog once again.  I'm feeling lonely because I have no followers, so please follow me, leave me comments and let me know what you want to hear.  Have a happy 4th of July and remember on that day that many of us gave up a lot for your freedom!!!!

God Bless,
Emme

Beginning of the End

"I remember that face that use to look back at me in the mirror, the strong, stubborn girl that never showed any fear.  I can see her eyes filled with anger and determination, feel her will to live and make sure her wish was never contested.  I remember her smile and secret joy of life, her desire to make a difference until the day she died."  Michelle D. 

I may still be here alive and kicking, but I do feel as if I died in Afghanistan the moment I lost my vision.  I never understood why the doctors struggled so much to tell me I had multiple sclerosis, why nurses in the hospital all felt obligated to hug me after I found out, until now 5 years later.  I have since regained my vision but now wait to lose it again, deal with the ALL DAY leg pain (both or either or).  I talk a lot about my illness, not at all to get pity but because I want to educate people, motivate them even because if honestly emotionally weak me can overcome this then I believe everyone else can overcome what comes their way as well.  I wrote that poem, amongst many others, back when I first got diagnosed and had sworn I would only release them AFTER my 8 years as President of the United States, but since I don't have the energy nor the patience to try to become President,  here's one!  I wish I could say that I have the strength, well for anything really, but I honestly don't.  Hours of my legs falling asleep, of them not wanting to even move, of my hands thinking they have Parkinson's Disease, of my entire body burning from the inside out doesn't leave me any desire to do anything.  I've used what I have learned in psychology so far and I can tell you that I have 2 coping mechanisms, I get angry OR I start cracking jokes about my disability either way I can tell you this illness brakes me down like I never knew possible.   So this is to me the beginning of the end, because thanks to America not believing in stem cell research or actually spending good money to find a cure, I know that today (a very hard day for me) is the best I am going to be.  MS IS a different day every day but I do know that today is the best day of the rest of my life because unfortunately it is all downhill from here.

So if you are reading this I hope I have been even just a tiny piece of inspiration for you, because deep down that girl is hiding, waiting to come out in order to help but in psychology now because yes people still need me, but not to lead as much as to help!  God Bless!