The hard road to the never was

In the last couple of months, since leaving my job and having more than enough time to sit down and think, I've been reminiscing on my past and all the good doors that opened for me.  Although I usually am such a pessimist, it is wonderful to remember, I could have been...

At 8 I had the chance to model (won best runway walk in one competition, read lines for the newest Miracle on 34th Street, and was in a Hispanic Newspaper).  In 5th grade my school chorus teacher nominated me for an advanced choir done outside of school and because of transportation or lack there of I settled for the signing part of Nala in "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from the Lion King in one of the school's assembly...still wonder how good my voice could have gotten.  Now, in 6th grade my class was given a project to do something from the past (or something like that).  I chose to do fashions of years past and got a few books from the library to gather pictures of how people use to dress.  I drew out a dress from different years as far back as the 1800s and got such good grade and my teacher loved my sketches so much, I never stopped drawing and designing UNTIL my freshman year in high school.  My freshman year in high school (in a team project again) I turned in some more fashion designs and was approached by my school counselor with an offer to start college for design.  I had to draw up a college she said of at least 30 designs and everything ended there.  To think that my favorite hobby was going to be a JOB killed my dream.

Since junior high though, I always knew I was born to be a psychologist.  While I have always been a loner, EVERYBODY from friends to strangers, hobos, prisoners, everyone always found it so easy to talk to me, open up about everything and genuinely want my advice.  By the time I ended high school and entered the Army, I knew I was born to be a psychologist.  I was a great therapist if you ask me, winning Psychology student of the year in college and honestly helping more people than I ever thought possible while I was in college.  I could have been wonderful, could have made a name for myself had it not been for...sigh, who or what do you even blame for an illness that you both love and hate?  I've talked to God many times, have told Him that I understand He's put me through all my trials and tribulations so that I can help those around me, and I don't understand why He would bring something onto me that now forbids me to continue to help but who am I to question His plans?

So here I am, 2 days away from pleading my case to try to get fully retired, trying to give myself the support I succeeded at giving others.  So while college for my PhD might be out of the question since driving thanks to attacks is no longer recommended, I am going back to fashion design, not to be the Hispanic Vera Wang but because I want to dress myself in a modern 1950s look.  So while my legs are giving up my heart is not and I will be a somebody, to myself if no one else.  The hard road to the never was will become My Sunshine.

God Bless and keep dreaming,
Emme

To be or not to be...

I just read an article called "Being the grown-up the kid in you always wanted".  The author Sarah McColl stated that psychologists believe that ages 8-10 is when someone is their authentic selves, which got me thinking, who was I back then?  I remember back then I already understood that I did not belong in the ghetto neighborhood where I was born and raised.  Through those ages I can't remember what I wanted to be when I grew up but since I've always been skinny, I bought into the hype that I needed to be a model so until around 4th grade I was convinced I was going to be Miss Universe.  In sixth grade I realized I was a great fashion designer and so I started a book of designs.  Then in 8 grade I discovered psychology and realized (having been born and raised in the ghetto) that inmates needed psychological support the most.  In high school and the first years in the military I was so into politics that I had already begun to plan my campaign...I was a total liberal back then but war did change my views in the opposite direction.  After going through war and getting diagnosed with MS, my mind started considering psychology again and after reading that article I realized that I was 8 when I lost someone I loved to suicide...If at that age I was my authentic self then I can tell you that at that moment all I wanted to do was reverse time, get on the phone and help her through her hell.  To this day I haven't forgiven myself for her death but now I wonder, knowing psychology is indeed my final destination, which form of psychology is now my constant struggle.

When I began college I began my major in psychology with a focus on PTSD.  Just like war turned me from liberal to conservative it also made me reconsider who needed my help the most.  When I was in Afghanistan, I was always the tough girl that always told the rest of the girls not to cry, we were soldiers at war, no crying needed!  And then one night in late October a medi-vac call came in, a soldier had lost both legs due to a grenade, which is unfortunately not surprising, but the tears I could hear coming through that night had ME crying that day.  I could tell that the SSG that passed away that day meant a lot to his soldiers and since that day, I've carried him with me as well.  I promised his memory that I would take care of his soldiers and  talking to so many veterans I realized that it's easy for me to talk to them and fortunately it's easy for them to talk to me and my desire to assist gained me the psychology of the year award.  I have helped a few guys through their sleepless nights, through their fear of being in crowded areas, and have helped them find and pursue their dreams with success and still their are so many more that at the moment I don't have enough education to help just yet.

With that being said though, I'd be lying if I said PTSD was my first passion, because the more I study both psychology and myself, I can state that I find abnormal psychology the most interesting thing in the world.  I became one of the many followers of the Casey Anthony case BECAUSE although I do not believe she is innocent, I wouldn't love anything more than to be able to have one session with her.  I wouldn't expect to hear the truth but the curiosity of what really goes through a psychopath's mind is too interesting to want to resist.  Not just psychological disorders like that interest me, but all the serious disorders like that intrigue me...I KNOW it's easy for me to reach and help people with depression and PTSD, but could I rise to the occasion of dealing with disorders that big?

Since I first got diagnosed with MS, many of my doctors have suggested that I help other people with their disorders since I appear to handling it so well (not that I do, I just don't let it show).  For about 3 years I've been getting treated in cancer wards and to see the unspoken pain on their faces simply kills me. 

So I find myself lost in so many ways...I know I want to get my masters in abnormal psychology only because I remember my Abnormal book taught me a little of all of these fields and I can not choose.  To be or not to be????  I decide to be a little bit of everything because when it is all said and done, we all suffer some form of a psychological disease and I do not want to EVER turn my back on anyone...that is my dedication to those I've lost because they have guided me to it.