Merry Christmas

"Somewhere over the Rainbow" is where you'll find me today among this world of ice and snow!  It's a great day today, on what my white husband calls "the brown baby Jesus birthday lol (he's allowed to say that because Mexicans do start celebrating today and presents are not opened until midnight and yes kids are still awake, of course they are still awake, because every child has a job to do with tamales, and then the songs because we all sing sit around and watch every person take  their turn on the mike :)...remember my Shakira Anger sister???  Gosh how much fun we had!  Everyone should spend their holidays with Italian Mambo or some salsa and trust me, the hips will move!!! 

I am forever use to putting myself use first on my Christmas list (not selfish I swear, I'm just that picky and although I never had the heart to return anything, I did have a closet full of Christmas presents that I never used).  So, I had been wondering all this week what I wanted to treat myself to, on this year where I have learned to be cheap and I knew ONLY that I wanted either a smaller diner of turkey OR switch it up and try some  buffalo....I chose buffalo and I don't regret it because it was so freaking good!!!  And now I'm shopping for some green contacts, BECAUSE I will forever be upset that my dad's beautiful green eyes used on my older brother because they would look so much prettier on me (sorry bro, love you so much!!!  Don't tell Chuy, but you're my favorite!).

So while Sargie (who Britt has now nicknamed Teddy Roosevelt because he's getting his big mustache back) has been dragging me around the freaking ice (I have the bruises to prove it!) I finally fell on my ass and just stayed right there...it didn't hurt and the ice wasn't burning, so although Sargie TRIED helping me get up with his huge nose and got no where, I didn't mind it and later regretted that I didn't make a snow angel (although I don't see how that's even possible seeing how it was all just ice).  But why hurry to get up???  Why not enjoy the here and now???  I was asked on Thanksgiving if I could be either Jackie Kennedy OR Aubrey Hepburn who would I pick?  That question had me so confused for so long because let's face it, those are 2 incredible women, but to be honest neither felt right, neither were me.  Jackie Kennedy I have always read about and learning about Camelot was a fairy tale to me growing up, (Marylan Monroe even more because reading her personal diaries was like reading my own, however, Jackie was all about the money, and although I understand that money makes the world go round, I don't pay it much attention.  Then there was Aubrey, whom to be honest, I didn't know anything about, BECAUSE she seemed to be all about the money too, so I sat down and watched Roman Holiday and I realized that her fashion is what I've been drawing since I realized I was good at fashion designing and in the movie, her character WAS me, the princess that just wanted to leave the castle and mingle with the commoners, and smash a chair on the "authorities" head.  But, while I feel bad for her life and she did die on what is my birthday, she still didn't feel right either, so I dropped it whole idea and then with the whole fuss of Carrie Underwood happened (love your songs, but stick to that please!)  the original was aired and I sat down and finally watched the end with adult eyes and my God!!!!  that was me!  I chose Maria!  I could see myself in Maria though, because children, although I don't have any (yet) kids adore me and I adore them, and just like Maria did, IF I thought my crush was in love with someone else, I would gladly bow out of the fight just so he could be happy.  Signing, always sing happy songs!!!  Scream them out loud, because even if you're not that good God is up there clapping for you I think!!!

So as I am finishing up this blog, tell me tell you that I finally made 2 cents!!!  Pennies, I made pennies, and I am beyond proud, however, I still only have 6 followers :(, so please whomever is reading this, don't be shy, follow me, because these blogs tend to come out of the blue, and I can only speak to myself if none else is listening.

Please be careful this CHRISTmas and look out for one another!!!  (listening to THE PRAYER by Josh Groban, and its perfect, because I am trying to guide you all  to a better place).

Merry Christmas and God bless!

Michelle Durkee

P.S.
For pet owners,  For those looking for something to do for New Years, and other fun things...enjoy!!!
https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&shva=1#inbox/14321ee0ecdd04d8

I had read the book and couldn't put it down...for those that have lost a loved one, believe Doctor Alexander, that they are in a better place!!! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JJ8LJ8HNsY

Remembering 2013

   2013?  Is it really the end of 2013?

     Since junior high I've always sat around in December and gone through all of my photo albums to in a way "relive" my life and although there was hardly anyone other than me in my pictures (if I was ever in it) just seeing the pictures always put a smile on my face because "I can't" has hardly ever come out of my mouth.  Sure, I've paid the price for it but who cares, I'm still here and every picture was a memory of "I shouldn't have, but boy was that fun!" So now here I am, 2013 and all those albums, are somewhere in my parent's house in California, where, the trash probably, if my mom wasn't fast enough to take custody of them before my dad probably just through them away for taking up space :)!
    So back to 2013, um, its been cold, specially right now.  It has been annoying because it has been routine...go to sleep, wake up, watch t.v. and hope and pray that I don't have an MS attack.  I raised my precious dog Sarge, a little spoiled, but not as spoiled as I had made my last dog....don't question me, its not my fault he fit so perfectly on my hip!  But he went from being so super annoying, to scaring the neighbors (he's very protective).  He has gone from getting tall enough to drag me around the yard and leave me all bruised, to learning how to "walk me" back to the house (you should see him, he stands so proud of himself for walking his mom very carefully back to the house.)  He still sleeps in the bed with me, BECAUSE he knows mom's legs always burn and if he's cold, just cuddle with them and he'll never need the heater!

12/17/13 (the next day)

I said that all I need was 2 years, just needed to sleep for 2 years, and that is exactly what I have been doing...a whole lot of nothing, sleep, have a relapse, go to the hospital, and sleep again.  Today, in this 10 degree weather, I have decided/ realized that I'm not tired anymore!  Tomorrow, I had already planned to go back to the gym, but NOW I know I can do that 1 hour on the elliptical!  This is it, I always said 30 was going to be a good year and with over 1 month left for that day, I know, it will be the beginning of my forever.  So lets do this, go back to college, find a good job and maybe, just maybe be the first female President of this wonderful country!  (Sorry Hilary, but thank you for paving the way!)

God Bless and thank you Jesus for never leaving my side,
Michelle

Merry Santa (part 2)

So, where were we again?

We were on her face Mrs. elf Spice.

Right, right, her face. Lets start with her lips, allow them to move as far right and as far left as it wants and lets make the eye on whatever side the lips decide to move droop down.  

Now, for the ending with a bang, lets make a brain with dysfunctional nerves that are attacked and therefore are unable to complete a command of moving an arm or leg. 

Great Mrs. elf Spice!  This present for the naughty sounds great!

NO!!!  This precious doll is only for the special super sweet people that love helping others, that go above and beyond for those around them, for those that are way stronger then you can never imagine.

And what shall we name it Mrs. elf Spice?

mmmm, My Savior because although it will look horrible and seem painful, it will touch, give everyone something to contemplate, and eventionally change everyone for the better.

Confusion

Do you ever reach a point in your life when you feel like you've gone insane???  How can your gut and your mind not agree?  Do you listen to your heart or the actual voice yelling at you???  

When did life get so confusing and why start the confusion now?  

Why are you sorry???

Since the day I received my diagnosis back in Valentines day of 2006 everyone's first words to me are I'm sorry...WHY ARE YOU SORRY???  I know it's human nature to always apologize for something that has nothing to do with you, but why?  I mean, when someone dies period, you should feel bad and you should feel sorry, because no time is the right time to pass away, but forever thing else, for everything else I believe there can be a positive side.

I can sit here and tell you its hell, because in many ways it can be with the constant burning you feel all over your body.  I will share that Amazing Grace always makes me cry, because I once was blind and now I see but think of what I just said.  To go from being able to see nothing but black, especially while you are serving in Afghanistan, to go home back to Germany and regain my vision and see again, not just literally but emotionally is life changing.  I will tell you that it will get better, because somehow it kinda does!

Life didn't get better right away, don't get me wrong, life is not a fairy tale, but I'm still here and I like to think a little better.  When life literally knocked me down to my knees, I eventually gave in and started to pray and when MS decided to not let me out of bed for a week, I had the most sincere conversation with God.  Again, I'm not throwing religion your way, we all find Him when the time is right, but He found me and sometimes these blogs end up about him.

Thanks???giving

For the last 6 years, I have said thank you for having come down with MS, but this year, this year I'm not quite sure...Did MS save me from a worse life?  The wrong path?  Should I be thankful to be retired at 29 and not have the strength to even walk my dog?

I prepared for 4 years from now!  I was going to save the weak, inspire the fearful, help everyone find the thing that they are good at, but why can't I inspire myself?  Motivate myself?  Do I truly believe all of the negative words I heard growing up?  I always told myself that I didn't need anyone, that I was confident enough to rely on myself, but I lied, I'm really not!  So what do I do now?  What do I do now that one part of my body after another just gives up?  I know I have an amazing husband, AMAZING, but I don't want to put him through the hell tat I know I am, so where do I turn and whom do I turn to???

MS

I say I was surprisingly optimistic because that week I began to lose the sight out of my right eye, I was coming close to serving a year in Afghanistan.  Since sand storms in that country occur more often than not, I genuinely believed I had sand in my eye that first night, than blamed the pain on the fact that I had rubbed the “sand” in my eye while trying to remove it.  I visited the clinic because of the pain in my eye and was only told to return if it got worse…well, it got worse.  In three days a black line appeared in my vision, in a week I couldn’t see the bottom half and in two weeks as I walked onto the C130 military plane I had lost all of my vision on my right eye (to which I still joked was fine because I shot with my left eye).

I was diagnosed on February 14, 2006 with Multiple Sclerosis.  I was started out with copaxone (a self- administered injection) which I became allergic to in a year.  I was then switched to rebif which I didn't have any problems with BUT which  wasn't slowing my MS any so I switched to tysabri.  I did well with tysabri for 2 years and was normal enough to get my AA in psychology with a focus in PTSD but then got married and decided to move.  Seeing how tysabri causes PML (turns your brain to mush is how I explain it) most doctors don't like to go straight to that medication.  So I was forced to go a year without any treatment at all to after all the nagging being put on Avonex.  Avonex didn't work either  (since I didn’t like the side effects to the drug) so yet again I was forced to nag until I finally got tysabri back! 

It has been seven years since I got diagnosed and my life has been a roller coaster.  I have lost mobility, have had slurred speech, have had a facial droop, double vision, serious constipation followed by need diapers at 29.  I gave the neurologist ONE tear when he replied “yes” to my question of “is this what you’re diagnosing me with.”  One tear followed by the question … ”WHAT HAPPENS NOW?”

Now I am medically retired from the military and trying to be an MS advocate because I am only 29 and still have a lot to offer!  I am a smart stubborn Latina who never gives up and if life has taught me anything is that if there’s a will, there’s a way!  Please join my page MS After the Military on Facebook and let’s take this fight all the way up to Capitol Hill!

Seven

Does life start at birth or does it start the year life rolls a seven???

I've sat around the last few weeks thinking, studying my life and thinking...

At 29 has life finally started just like I always wished it to be or has it ended with nothing left to do?  I find myself sad, very mad, thinking and wondering how I got here, where it's all gone and was it all worth it?  Will it be better?  Did I...did I do enough?

    On this my seventh year anniversary with MS I find myself unable to work because of my health but blessed making enough money to never complain.  My husband and I own a house, like OWN a house, no mortgage, 0 debt, just  a nice little house in a beautiful quiet neighborhood.  That's another  thing, I mean 0 debt...my 3 years with MS I went a bit wild with my spending, why not right?  I felt like life had  screw me over so why save?  I had SEEN in the moment of my blindness that life wasn't forever, so why not? I saw a little more of the world, bought to my heart's content never worrying about saving and now here I am, 0 debt with the American dream minus the kids, lol.
    Look, like I've said before, I was never really religious and I'm not trying  to make anyone believe, but let me share with you a little something that until this year I kept to myself...our little secret...mine and God's.  When I was young, sigh, hell,even when I was young, I was already miserable.  Understood too much about life's  bad side and didn't care to go on...I hadn't asked to come into this world so I prayed because in my lonely nights I always knew He was listening...I started asking why???  Why, why, why?  Well, one day He answered.  You know  that voice inside your head? And no, not the one that belongs to you, the other one that you just can't explain, and no, not your multiple personality either.  Anyways, He  told me one night, "Wait, be strong because I have great plans for you." Sigh, every time my life took a change and headed in a new road, I always wondered if this was it, if this was what the great plan that was written out for me  and time and again I was disappointed.  I've been mad, bitter and mad again for so long and although  I don't think that will ever fully change, this year I realized  I no longer have anything to be mad about (although, that in it's self makes me mad).  This is it, this is the life God promised me that night...I have an incredible husband, an annoying yet loveable dog, the best of friends, and a huge wonderful family that although I love them, I don't know many of them I feel so close to.
    Although, it hurts like hell to admit that I'll never be able to finish my degree (because every time I say sure I can do it, my health takes a turn for the worst) I know my life has been wonderful.  At 29, I have lived in Germany, been to England, Spain, Italy, Japan, and Mexico of course.  I have bought myself a Mercedes Benz and now a house.  I have at least seen my capability in psychology and have actually been able to change more than one life which is more than I ever hoped for (I would have settled for one). 
    Know though, that I can't stay still and I will do something with this life I've been blessed with.  I will start on my own clothes line (although I'm starting with crocheting first).  I will finish seeing the world with my husband...Thailand is next, then Panama, Ireland, Scotland, Peru, Venezuela...life is short, we'll see.  Know that although I may no longer be running, I will never stop walking and in so many ways I already feel like I won the race!

Wishing you all a wonderful Easter, and many blessings,
Michelle