Ready to go Mrs. elf Spice.
Wonderful! Take out the plain doll then and lets begin! Okay, now, remove the right foot at the ankle and fill it up with burning coals. Stuff fireworks in-between the coals to shoot up to the thigh about every 20 minutes. Put over all of it an army of ants to explore as they so please and sow her right leg back up! Now, remove the left leg along with the left hip bone and wrap the hip bone in icy hot sheet minus the icy and excess in hot. Re-attach the hip to the leg with a sharp knife to cause pain when the legs have been used for longer then 20 minutes don't forget the ants, the burning coal, the fireworks and sow that peace on too. Now, on both legs make all 10 toes as flexible as rubber bands to be able to individually go up or down at their pleasure.
Onto the portion that removes wastes from the doll's body...make the doll pee take a leak between 10-25 minutes, making the person in charge of the doll be fooled because no leak is really needed at times. Lets make her bowel movements barely occur and make the times that do occur be either unexpected or hard enough to make her bleed and cry. But before you make me cry, let's give the doll the ability to give herself a hug when times get tough and I don't mean with her hands, maybe we should use her ribs! Lets make her feel beautiful by wearing a girdle tight enough to make her ribs try to climb one over the other and lets add a choker around her neck that injects burning hot water into her throat. And as long as we are being nice, lets make her heart beat like no cute boy can make it. Let the heart have its own mind as well and let it decide to go fast or slow and squeeze it at times so hard it takes her breath away.
Now, the arms fix just like the legs with ants,burning coal and fireworks. Make her fingers prefer to be closed in a fist and not to move from a fist even if a thumb is underneath the other fingers.
Lets finish with her face, her pretty little face...
To be continued,
Michelle
Monday, December 24, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Hurry up and Wait...
I had heard those words before but they never meant so much to me as they meant the moment I joined the military. Since the very first day, being at MEPS, the government always expected EVERYBODY to be up and ready to go, everyone that is, expect themselves. The long lines in either the hot sun or a cold room, I believe make up 95% of your time in the military...ok, ok, about 85 but you get the point. I'm not and never have been a lazy person, but if you're going to pay me just to sit around then hey that works.
Hurry up and wait...I'M TIRED OF WAITING!!! I left a job where regular people that never had to go through the BS of boot camp or the horrors of war sit around and gossip and make decent money. I would have kept the job for the rest of my life if it weren't for this illness, I was blessed with while at war. The V.A. supposedly has so many days to complete a claim, and my claim for un-employability has 200 and something days...I've been fairly relaxed on my claim, have said my prayers and have left it up to God, because He knows best, BUT my claim with the VA has been in since January 31 and as we near the end of September, I've run out of patience!
Now don't believe nothing has happened since the start (I'm always impatient). I was fortunate to have gotten Congressman Michael Michaud of Maine read and respond to my letter for help. His office has assisted me by pushing my case along and I have had my appointments to be reviewed for my claim. My 4 appointments went well and I even got to meet an old woman whom takes care of her 30 year old son who has MS and has no one else to rely on (bless her heart). So I've been looking at the bright side of things, until now.
Now, sigh, now my landlord is willing to sell my husband and I the house we rent, BUT I refuse to become one of the many people that dream big but can't back up their own dreams! Until I can have the money to secure such a purchase, I can't commit and I'm angry. If it were up to me, I'd be healthy and I'd be working, but since I spent my last best years in the military, I find it only fair that the military pay for leaving me like this. I understand that until we know for sure how you get M.S. I have no right to blame the military, but in life if you look close at yourself, someone is always to blame aren't they?
With that I'm done, I have a migraine!
God Bless,
Michelle
Hurry up and wait...I'M TIRED OF WAITING!!! I left a job where regular people that never had to go through the BS of boot camp or the horrors of war sit around and gossip and make decent money. I would have kept the job for the rest of my life if it weren't for this illness, I was blessed with while at war. The V.A. supposedly has so many days to complete a claim, and my claim for un-employability has 200 and something days...I've been fairly relaxed on my claim, have said my prayers and have left it up to God, because He knows best, BUT my claim with the VA has been in since January 31 and as we near the end of September, I've run out of patience!
Now don't believe nothing has happened since the start (I'm always impatient). I was fortunate to have gotten Congressman Michael Michaud of Maine read and respond to my letter for help. His office has assisted me by pushing my case along and I have had my appointments to be reviewed for my claim. My 4 appointments went well and I even got to meet an old woman whom takes care of her 30 year old son who has MS and has no one else to rely on (bless her heart). So I've been looking at the bright side of things, until now.
Now, sigh, now my landlord is willing to sell my husband and I the house we rent, BUT I refuse to become one of the many people that dream big but can't back up their own dreams! Until I can have the money to secure such a purchase, I can't commit and I'm angry. If it were up to me, I'd be healthy and I'd be working, but since I spent my last best years in the military, I find it only fair that the military pay for leaving me like this. I understand that until we know for sure how you get M.S. I have no right to blame the military, but in life if you look close at yourself, someone is always to blame aren't they?
With that I'm done, I have a migraine!
God Bless,
Michelle
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
The hard road to the never was
In the last couple of months, since leaving my job and having more than enough time to sit down and think, I've been reminiscing on my past and all the good doors that opened for me. Although I usually am such a pessimist, it is wonderful to remember, I could have been...
At 8 I had the chance to model (won best runway walk in one competition, read lines for the newest Miracle on 34th Street, and was in a Hispanic Newspaper). In 5th grade my school chorus teacher nominated me for an advanced choir done outside of school and because of transportation or lack there of I settled for the signing part of Nala in "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from the Lion King in one of the school's assembly...still wonder how good my voice could have gotten. Now, in 6th grade my class was given a project to do something from the past (or something like that). I chose to do fashions of years past and got a few books from the library to gather pictures of how people use to dress. I drew out a dress from different years as far back as the 1800s and got such good grade and my teacher loved my sketches so much, I never stopped drawing and designing UNTIL my freshman year in high school. My freshman year in high school (in a team project again) I turned in some more fashion designs and was approached by my school counselor with an offer to start college for design. I had to draw up a college she said of at least 30 designs and everything ended there. To think that my favorite hobby was going to be a JOB killed my dream.
Since junior high though, I always knew I was born to be a psychologist. While I have always been a loner, EVERYBODY from friends to strangers, hobos, prisoners, everyone always found it so easy to talk to me, open up about everything and genuinely want my advice. By the time I ended high school and entered the Army, I knew I was born to be a psychologist. I was a great therapist if you ask me, winning Psychology student of the year in college and honestly helping more people than I ever thought possible while I was in college. I could have been wonderful, could have made a name for myself had it not been for...sigh, who or what do you even blame for an illness that you both love and hate? I've talked to God many times, have told Him that I understand He's put me through all my trials and tribulations so that I can help those around me, and I don't understand why He would bring something onto me that now forbids me to continue to help but who am I to question His plans?
So here I am, 2 days away from pleading my case to try to get fully retired, trying to give myself the support I succeeded at giving others. So while college for my PhD might be out of the question since driving thanks to attacks is no longer recommended, I am going back to fashion design, not to be the Hispanic Vera Wang but because I want to dress myself in a modern 1950s look. So while my legs are giving up my heart is not and I will be a somebody, to myself if no one else. The hard road to the never was will become My Sunshine.
God Bless and keep dreaming,
Emme
At 8 I had the chance to model (won best runway walk in one competition, read lines for the newest Miracle on 34th Street, and was in a Hispanic Newspaper). In 5th grade my school chorus teacher nominated me for an advanced choir done outside of school and because of transportation or lack there of I settled for the signing part of Nala in "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from the Lion King in one of the school's assembly...still wonder how good my voice could have gotten. Now, in 6th grade my class was given a project to do something from the past (or something like that). I chose to do fashions of years past and got a few books from the library to gather pictures of how people use to dress. I drew out a dress from different years as far back as the 1800s and got such good grade and my teacher loved my sketches so much, I never stopped drawing and designing UNTIL my freshman year in high school. My freshman year in high school (in a team project again) I turned in some more fashion designs and was approached by my school counselor with an offer to start college for design. I had to draw up a college she said of at least 30 designs and everything ended there. To think that my favorite hobby was going to be a JOB killed my dream.
Since junior high though, I always knew I was born to be a psychologist. While I have always been a loner, EVERYBODY from friends to strangers, hobos, prisoners, everyone always found it so easy to talk to me, open up about everything and genuinely want my advice. By the time I ended high school and entered the Army, I knew I was born to be a psychologist. I was a great therapist if you ask me, winning Psychology student of the year in college and honestly helping more people than I ever thought possible while I was in college. I could have been wonderful, could have made a name for myself had it not been for...sigh, who or what do you even blame for an illness that you both love and hate? I've talked to God many times, have told Him that I understand He's put me through all my trials and tribulations so that I can help those around me, and I don't understand why He would bring something onto me that now forbids me to continue to help but who am I to question His plans?
So here I am, 2 days away from pleading my case to try to get fully retired, trying to give myself the support I succeeded at giving others. So while college for my PhD might be out of the question since driving thanks to attacks is no longer recommended, I am going back to fashion design, not to be the Hispanic Vera Wang but because I want to dress myself in a modern 1950s look. So while my legs are giving up my heart is not and I will be a somebody, to myself if no one else. The hard road to the never was will become My Sunshine.
God Bless and keep dreaming,
Emme
Sunday, February 5, 2012
No Sugar(coating) please.
Okay, so here it is...no tears, just the painful truth...
- I once was blind and now I see (boy does that song make me cry
- I've had a stoke-like facial droop
- I've had a bad liver because of all the medication I've been on...it's fixed itself but once a damaged liver always a damaged I was told
- I can tell you only steaks, mashed potatoes, steamed vegetables, french fries and fettuccine Alfredo don't make me vomit, everything else has a good chance of coming back up
- I always miss a step going down the stairs
- In the 1st month of having MS while giving myself self-administered shots,I accidentally put my medication into a vein, collapsed and the German ER thought I was having a heart attack
- I have failed using the injections copaxone, rebiff, avonex which is not good
- My brain has so many lesions that even since the first MRI the docs have always been afraid to show it to me, and the MRI techs have always felt so sorry for me
- I've been to the ER so many times I can tell you exactly how the visit is going to go
- I've lost mobility of both my legs for a short time
- If it wasn't for my navigation system I'd probably never find home
- I've forgotten account passwords that I've used for 15 some years
- I dropped things I'm holding way too often because my hands won't grip them properly
- All top secret information I once new is now gone, I don't remember
- While I am mostly constipated, I do have moments where I accidentally poop myself (just a tiny bit though, I run to the bathroom and save myself)
- I have lost feeling in my hands and my legs (I burned one of my legs once with the curling iron and never even noticed until I started smelling burning flesh)
- I throw up everywhere, public transportation, people's yards, my living room floor, all over my car
- I miss running
- I can no longer wear heels and I hate flats
- I cry way to much and way too strong because I end up sending myself into anxiety attacks
- Anxiety attacks = severe burning on both arms, legs, and middle portion of my body with all the ant feeling to an extreme, sometimes followed by vomiting
- I lose weight all the time and I hate it!
- I bought my dog for unconditional love and the sucker loves my family more than me
- In really bad moments I start talking like a deaf person, who's talking but still can't figure out exactly how to pronounce words
- As much as I feared wheelchairs, now I can't wait to get into one! If you see me in one at the grocery store, you better move out of my way!
- I really do feel stupid now
- I have decided to give up on my dream of becoming a psychologist (which I'm great at) just to be selfish for a minute and take care of the pain...I was going to be somebody, sigh
- I feel like the worse wife in the world for having dragged Britt into this hell
- If my end were to come tomorrow, I would go with a smile because in life I've done everything I wanted to do and then some and it'd be nice for the pain to go away
Friday, February 3, 2012
Hi my name is Michelle and I am disabled...
It has taken me 6 years to be able to say that. I have never denied that I am forever sick, but I have never used the word disabled to describe myself because I have always considered myself strong and unbreakable because I am a Soldier, I went to war dammit!
Today, on my 6 year anniversary I must confess I don't recognize myself anymore because I have changed for both the good and the bad. I will never deny that I'm a bit of a bitch but MS has made me nice because I no longer have the energy to point out how dumb some people are (this may be the only good quality).
But on the negative side I'm afraid of things like pizza because it makes me vomit right away. Not that pizza is the ONLY thing that has made me become friends with the porcelain god, throughout the years I've made a mental note of all the foods/restaurants never to try again. Let me clarify that vomiting is not a trait of MS however, problems with bowel movements are. It was 2007 that this problem originated and although I had an army of 6 different specialist, none were or have to this day given me a reason for this happening or have admitted it's MS. The vomiting comes from the constant constipation and like I TOLD one of my doctors back then, I figure if it doesn't come out one hole, it'll come out the other. I was fine with the issue before because it was only the last bite of food that I would vomit yet now I get horrible stomach pains that always make me think it's going to come out the right way but it comes out as vomit and not just the last bite but also all the way back to the food I ate the day before. This has been one of my constant companions, but not the only one.
The pain in my leg, my arms, my back, the constant burning feeling and the ants, the freaking ants all over my body have also been with me since the beginning. This pain (because it hurts like hell to burn from the inside) has made me convinced that I live on a pain scale of 7-8. Montel Williams explained it best on Oprah...imagine someone entered a burning rod from the bottom of your foot and just starts shaking it inside your leg, going higher and higher each time. This doesn't just happen throughout the day, no, MS burns you when your fast asleep and reminds you it's still there. But this isn't the only wrong thing with my legs, now they can't even support my 105lbs and I use a cane occasionally not only because I limp sometime but because I'm afraid that I would fall without it. Stress makes me do the Frankenstein and refuses to allow my legs to bend and turns my hands into claws that just won't go back to normal and when this happens, it's like a million ants were let lose on my body. Boy the tears I've cried because of this pain and the ER visits I've had to make.
The thing that hurts the most though are my memory problems and that it's just plain made me dumb! I always prided myself in being smarter then the regular average on many levels and yet now MS does the opposite of what I tell it to do. Take for example my everyday when there's something on the floor and I think, ok, go around it, MS walks straight to it and sometimes even kicks it or smashes it leading to my nickname being Godzilla in my house. Then there's my current job where a patient is found on the database by last name and last 4 of social, so if I read Uribe1234, I end up typing Uribe2345 pulling up a totally different patient and booking appointments for the wrong person. I may be new to this job but I'm tired of everyday being told I did something wrong. Call it my pride, but fuck, I hate this the most. I want to be smart again...
I am no longer in charge of my eating habits, my weight, my sleep, my energy level (because I'm tired the moment I wake up til the moment I go to sleep) this foreign thing that has invaded my life has now taken over. I have often joked around and called it the child I never wanted to have but it's now way past being funny, now it just hurts, I HURT!!!
I am here today because of God - because He seems to believe in me more than I have ever believed in myself. Britt my forever support who's walked through hell and back with me and never moved a bit from my side. My mother who always has prayers on her mind and friends like all of you who are reading this to help me with that letter to the Veterans Affairs. I have always considered myself a loner yet, now that I need a friend most you are there to give me a helping hand and not just 1 hand but many! No words will ever describe how thankful I am for all of you. You all have joined my circle of friends at different times, childhood, school, the military, work and yet you all mean the word to me...Don't ever change!
God Bless,
Emme
Today, on my 6 year anniversary I must confess I don't recognize myself anymore because I have changed for both the good and the bad. I will never deny that I'm a bit of a bitch but MS has made me nice because I no longer have the energy to point out how dumb some people are (this may be the only good quality).
But on the negative side I'm afraid of things like pizza because it makes me vomit right away. Not that pizza is the ONLY thing that has made me become friends with the porcelain god, throughout the years I've made a mental note of all the foods/restaurants never to try again. Let me clarify that vomiting is not a trait of MS however, problems with bowel movements are. It was 2007 that this problem originated and although I had an army of 6 different specialist, none were or have to this day given me a reason for this happening or have admitted it's MS. The vomiting comes from the constant constipation and like I TOLD one of my doctors back then, I figure if it doesn't come out one hole, it'll come out the other. I was fine with the issue before because it was only the last bite of food that I would vomit yet now I get horrible stomach pains that always make me think it's going to come out the right way but it comes out as vomit and not just the last bite but also all the way back to the food I ate the day before. This has been one of my constant companions, but not the only one.
The pain in my leg, my arms, my back, the constant burning feeling and the ants, the freaking ants all over my body have also been with me since the beginning. This pain (because it hurts like hell to burn from the inside) has made me convinced that I live on a pain scale of 7-8. Montel Williams explained it best on Oprah...imagine someone entered a burning rod from the bottom of your foot and just starts shaking it inside your leg, going higher and higher each time. This doesn't just happen throughout the day, no, MS burns you when your fast asleep and reminds you it's still there. But this isn't the only wrong thing with my legs, now they can't even support my 105lbs and I use a cane occasionally not only because I limp sometime but because I'm afraid that I would fall without it. Stress makes me do the Frankenstein and refuses to allow my legs to bend and turns my hands into claws that just won't go back to normal and when this happens, it's like a million ants were let lose on my body. Boy the tears I've cried because of this pain and the ER visits I've had to make.
The thing that hurts the most though are my memory problems and that it's just plain made me dumb! I always prided myself in being smarter then the regular average on many levels and yet now MS does the opposite of what I tell it to do. Take for example my everyday when there's something on the floor and I think, ok, go around it, MS walks straight to it and sometimes even kicks it or smashes it leading to my nickname being Godzilla in my house. Then there's my current job where a patient is found on the database by last name and last 4 of social, so if I read Uribe1234, I end up typing Uribe2345 pulling up a totally different patient and booking appointments for the wrong person. I may be new to this job but I'm tired of everyday being told I did something wrong. Call it my pride, but fuck, I hate this the most. I want to be smart again...
I am no longer in charge of my eating habits, my weight, my sleep, my energy level (because I'm tired the moment I wake up til the moment I go to sleep) this foreign thing that has invaded my life has now taken over. I have often joked around and called it the child I never wanted to have but it's now way past being funny, now it just hurts, I HURT!!!
I am here today because of God - because He seems to believe in me more than I have ever believed in myself. Britt my forever support who's walked through hell and back with me and never moved a bit from my side. My mother who always has prayers on her mind and friends like all of you who are reading this to help me with that letter to the Veterans Affairs. I have always considered myself a loner yet, now that I need a friend most you are there to give me a helping hand and not just 1 hand but many! No words will ever describe how thankful I am for all of you. You all have joined my circle of friends at different times, childhood, school, the military, work and yet you all mean the word to me...Don't ever change!
God Bless,
Emme
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