I can't deny that when I was young, I was as Mexican as Mexican can get. I'm first generation American born, and I grew up with Los Bukis, Vicente Fernandez, Juanga and the sort, I was a lost girl with one foot in each country and waving two flags. I was unaware of the differences (I use to hear "la migra" and learned to run) however, in my house there was only 1 voice and that was my father's.
Let me not ignore the fact that my father, when I grew up, was always drunk. Parties were constant and the day after, picking up the bottles to recycle only to sell back, was a chore. My father was scary, not in so many ways mean (at least not to me) and super loud regardless of weather or he was yelling or simply laughing. I have constantly said, that you could hear him talking on the phone 3 houses away and I wasn't kidding. My older brothers, who are 10 and 9 older respectably, had already moved into the back house and had left me alone to deal with the drama. We all knew what was happening in our home, BUT why let me deal with it alone??? I know you hated me for being daddy's princess, but you all had mom...me, I got dragged by the ear all the way to the bus stop only to have the bus driver laugh and say I probably deserved it.
Those drinking days where on some level fun. We had parties all the time, and my parents had made their place high in the Mexican social circle, the party however didn't last. Things were different when the lights when off and the "friends" left. Of what use to happen, still hurts to bring up, but I'm sure it is known since it unfortunately occurs too often in many homes. Red, blue and black, that's what my flag became...the eagle long gone, and the snake being the only survivor! Do not get me wrong, he never laid a hand on me, that's not his role, any real Mexican will tell you, that is the mother's job. Trust me, I wanted to look away, many times, play the music louder, lock my bedroom door, and pray for everything to go away but I never could. Like 2pac once said, Lady...
"Dear mama, place no one above ya, sweet lady. You are appreciated, don't cha know we love ya?
Our momma, mami, grandma, daddy whatever you call her, isn't it she the one that forms in so many ways, the rest of your life??? It was my father that taught me how to be a lady, it was my mom whom taught me to always go where the money is, but is that right? Yeah I never thought so either, although, I did enjoy all my expensive things. I suppose you can say, I learned to be like my father, just straight strong and cold. My mother always cried, always was too scared, and she had every right too be, BUT that was not who I wanted to be. I took after my father, to my mom's worst nightmare, but I'm not as naïve. Mother's they know a lot of things, not just mine but all of them. I've had 2 mothers tell me point blank to walk away from their sons. Let me explain, at the point when I'm constantly in tears, they find it in their hearts to say, "yeah no, walk away, he's seeing someone else." The first time, was simply that, my first and I really thought I could make it last for ever...lol, NO what a mistake! The other one, I suppose means more to me then the first because we were in a place where we needed love the most. War, it does things to you, thing you'd never hope you never saw, and out there, I'm sorry to say that a woman does become a mother with everyone around them, and the men, they become the worst liars you ever meet. You learn to trust the I love you's as truth, not knowing who is really before you. My old gray eyes, my Mr. Blue, you have broken my heart more times then I should ever allow! Sweetheart, you're a great guy and you know that you will never have trouble finding someone right for you! Sweetie, I think even you know that 1) you are racist and 2) you maybe a bit of a psychopath. Do yourself a favor and get a therapist, a real therapist, I still don't have one and lately I'm dying more then anything else. You're friend (RIP) had told you who you'd marry, look for her, get better for her! My heart is spoken for already and I'm happy! I know the day will come when you are happy too!
Sigh, mami dearest, know that while you didn't get to be my BFF, you left a son that I know loves you, and he still wants to be your BFF. Dear Mami, you are starting over with your grandchildren, let me only ask you to not let them walk all over like I did. No more, chili con sal, because now I have GERD, and although you warned me, you know kids don't listen!!! No more fatty food for dad, because now that he's older, that bad cholesterol is killing him, and you, my gosh, you have diabetes! Be more careful of what the family eats, sure we come from a healthy family, BUT we're not invincible! Our blood can be spared as any other! I love you all, you are my family.
God Bless,
Michelle
Let me not ignore the fact that my father, when I grew up, was always drunk. Parties were constant and the day after, picking up the bottles to recycle only to sell back, was a chore. My father was scary, not in so many ways mean (at least not to me) and super loud regardless of weather or he was yelling or simply laughing. I have constantly said, that you could hear him talking on the phone 3 houses away and I wasn't kidding. My older brothers, who are 10 and 9 older respectably, had already moved into the back house and had left me alone to deal with the drama. We all knew what was happening in our home, BUT why let me deal with it alone??? I know you hated me for being daddy's princess, but you all had mom...me, I got dragged by the ear all the way to the bus stop only to have the bus driver laugh and say I probably deserved it.
Those drinking days where on some level fun. We had parties all the time, and my parents had made their place high in the Mexican social circle, the party however didn't last. Things were different when the lights when off and the "friends" left. Of what use to happen, still hurts to bring up, but I'm sure it is known since it unfortunately occurs too often in many homes. Red, blue and black, that's what my flag became...the eagle long gone, and the snake being the only survivor! Do not get me wrong, he never laid a hand on me, that's not his role, any real Mexican will tell you, that is the mother's job. Trust me, I wanted to look away, many times, play the music louder, lock my bedroom door, and pray for everything to go away but I never could. Like 2pac once said, Lady...
"Dear mama, place no one above ya, sweet lady. You are appreciated, don't cha know we love ya?
Our momma, mami, grandma, daddy whatever you call her, isn't it she the one that forms in so many ways, the rest of your life??? It was my father that taught me how to be a lady, it was my mom whom taught me to always go where the money is, but is that right? Yeah I never thought so either, although, I did enjoy all my expensive things. I suppose you can say, I learned to be like my father, just straight strong and cold. My mother always cried, always was too scared, and she had every right too be, BUT that was not who I wanted to be. I took after my father, to my mom's worst nightmare, but I'm not as naïve. Mother's they know a lot of things, not just mine but all of them. I've had 2 mothers tell me point blank to walk away from their sons. Let me explain, at the point when I'm constantly in tears, they find it in their hearts to say, "yeah no, walk away, he's seeing someone else." The first time, was simply that, my first and I really thought I could make it last for ever...lol, NO what a mistake! The other one, I suppose means more to me then the first because we were in a place where we needed love the most. War, it does things to you, thing you'd never hope you never saw, and out there, I'm sorry to say that a woman does become a mother with everyone around them, and the men, they become the worst liars you ever meet. You learn to trust the I love you's as truth, not knowing who is really before you. My old gray eyes, my Mr. Blue, you have broken my heart more times then I should ever allow! Sweetheart, you're a great guy and you know that you will never have trouble finding someone right for you! Sweetie, I think even you know that 1) you are racist and 2) you maybe a bit of a psychopath. Do yourself a favor and get a therapist, a real therapist, I still don't have one and lately I'm dying more then anything else. You're friend (RIP) had told you who you'd marry, look for her, get better for her! My heart is spoken for already and I'm happy! I know the day will come when you are happy too!
Sigh, mami dearest, know that while you didn't get to be my BFF, you left a son that I know loves you, and he still wants to be your BFF. Dear Mami, you are starting over with your grandchildren, let me only ask you to not let them walk all over like I did. No more, chili con sal, because now I have GERD, and although you warned me, you know kids don't listen!!! No more fatty food for dad, because now that he's older, that bad cholesterol is killing him, and you, my gosh, you have diabetes! Be more careful of what the family eats, sure we come from a healthy family, BUT we're not invincible! Our blood can be spared as any other! I love you all, you are my family.
God Bless,
Michelle
