The hard road to the never was

In the last couple of months, since leaving my job and having more than enough time to sit down and think, I've been reminiscing on my past and all the good doors that opened for me.  Although I usually am such a pessimist, it is wonderful to remember, I could have been...

At 8 I had the chance to model (won best runway walk in one competition, read lines for the newest Miracle on 34th Street, and was in a Hispanic Newspaper).  In 5th grade my school chorus teacher nominated me for an advanced choir done outside of school and because of transportation or lack there of I settled for the signing part of Nala in "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from the Lion King in one of the school's assembly...still wonder how good my voice could have gotten.  Now, in 6th grade my class was given a project to do something from the past (or something like that).  I chose to do fashions of years past and got a few books from the library to gather pictures of how people use to dress.  I drew out a dress from different years as far back as the 1800s and got such good grade and my teacher loved my sketches so much, I never stopped drawing and designing UNTIL my freshman year in high school.  My freshman year in high school (in a team project again) I turned in some more fashion designs and was approached by my school counselor with an offer to start college for design.  I had to draw up a college she said of at least 30 designs and everything ended there.  To think that my favorite hobby was going to be a JOB killed my dream.

Since junior high though, I always knew I was born to be a psychologist.  While I have always been a loner, EVERYBODY from friends to strangers, hobos, prisoners, everyone always found it so easy to talk to me, open up about everything and genuinely want my advice.  By the time I ended high school and entered the Army, I knew I was born to be a psychologist.  I was a great therapist if you ask me, winning Psychology student of the year in college and honestly helping more people than I ever thought possible while I was in college.  I could have been wonderful, could have made a name for myself had it not been for...sigh, who or what do you even blame for an illness that you both love and hate?  I've talked to God many times, have told Him that I understand He's put me through all my trials and tribulations so that I can help those around me, and I don't understand why He would bring something onto me that now forbids me to continue to help but who am I to question His plans?

So here I am, 2 days away from pleading my case to try to get fully retired, trying to give myself the support I succeeded at giving others.  So while college for my PhD might be out of the question since driving thanks to attacks is no longer recommended, I am going back to fashion design, not to be the Hispanic Vera Wang but because I want to dress myself in a modern 1950s look.  So while my legs are giving up my heart is not and I will be a somebody, to myself if no one else.  The hard road to the never was will become My Sunshine.

God Bless and keep dreaming,
Emme