Dedicate your life for nothing...

I have died in this lonely country, in the middle of this war,
have torn apart my memories, forgotten all I've ever known.
I looked into the past and felt sorrow,
for the lonely nights remembered, for no hope for tomorrow.
So, I died in this county in the middle of his war,
Laid myself to rest and thought of me no more.

I wrote that poem towards the end of my year long deployment to Afghanistan around the time I KNEW something was physically wrong with me.  Around this time, after 2 years of complaining about numbness in my legs and always being told that it was a pinched nerve that kept happening because I'm so small rucking so much, I had lost hope.   My symptoms were ignored UNTIL I lost my vision.  Everyone around me expected me to be scared, but I never was.  I had convinced myself that I only had sand in my eyes from all of the Afghan sand storms.  I thought I was lucky, I was leaving 2 weeks earlier then the rest of my unit, I had avoided the trip to Kuwait  AND all so that they just flush my eyes out and tell me I was fine!  It was suppose to end that way, but it did not.  You have multiple sclerosis the doctors told me and boy did life really end.

I have never regretted joining the Army, it did allow me to see the world BUT is this pain really worth the memories?  I was fortunate that the military quickly retires soldiers for this illness because without the military taking care of me I don't know what I would do.  However, it's been 5 years now and at this moment my face is moving to the right (not the fist time it happens).  The 30% disability rating that the army gave me is not enough...I struggle to walk, I throw up almost every day, I don't have bowl movements, I have stroke like symptoms, I loose feeling....I am miserable!

17 months ago I requested an increase in my disability from the VA (everyone says they are nicer then the military) BUT they still haven't come up with a decision.  My case has since gone from California to Hawaii, to Ohio, back to Hawaii.  I have spoken to managers in the VA, written to Congressmen and still its getting ignored.  So now I do feel like I dedicated my life for nothing.  Perhaps I didn't die in Afghanistan but I was sent back with a life that is not worth living.  I hope and pray that this nightmare will be over soon because the longer I wait, the more disabled I become.

Thank you for reading my blog once again.  I'm feeling lonely because I have no followers, so please follow me, leave me comments and let me know what you want to hear.  Have a happy 4th of July and remember on that day that many of us gave up a lot for your freedom!!!!

God Bless,
Emme