Aside from being the title of a great movie with Johnny Depp, those two words have always in a way, been what I considered myself, simply a lone ranger! This movie however means more than just having a title I can relate not on an individual level,but on a cultural level!
I had started this blog, long before V. nobody came about and messed with a poor foolish ma that as far as I have read, suffers from dementia. Stupid stupid women, way to make us look bad!!! Although I am from California, I have never really cared for the Clippers, HOWEVER my husband had just worked with the coach that had just been transferred from Boston to the Clippers and because my husband always talked so high about him I had learned to love the coach. Being someone that also studies psychology, I know enough about dementia and the sort and know that you have to take what they say with a grain of salt. But anyways, this blog was never about any of them. Racism still exists, and not just against black people, I learned that in all white Maine, lol!!!
But Lone Ranger, for me, never had to do with race, but just the idea of me against the world. Trust me when I say that my life was never suppose to be that way, I didn't want to block everyone out of my life, life, and those around me, never really had the time to notice the bratty little girl that I was and the few that did never stuck around for too long, so in so many ways, I raised myself with books and school. My siblings, where 9-10 years older than me so they wanted nothing to do with me, so I pretty much only had Nano, my gay friend, who let go of me and went his own way by the time I was in Junior High. So then it was just me and the books again and the t.v., because watching Family Matters or Urcle or even friends, made me feel like life wasn't as shitty as it really was. To join the army and have to be "part of a platoon" was harder than anyone knew for that reason. I had taken that CIA test once, long before I had even thought about the military, you know that test that you use to be able to take IF you wanted to know what CIA job would be best for you??? They don't have that test anymore, I've looked, but back then, it suggested I work as a lone agent, thing is I often think about that....IF I would have gotten counter intel in the Army, would I have finally been able to make my secret dream come true? Lauren, you have been on my mind a lot too...can you understand now why I told on you??? I saw you learning from me, becoming a lot like me and I didn't want that, not for you. You're beautiful self, deserved so much I thought, so much more than my shitty lonely life, not to mentioned, you broke rule number 1, you never promise any one guy a forever IF you are seeing multiple, but I didn't know how to flat out tell you that back then. When our boyfriends were living on separate floors of the same house, you don't know how bad I wanted to run downstairs and have a cigarette with you when I'd hear you yelling, but I knew what I had done, and I knew that I didn't deserve to be your friend anymore. I've missed you, been missing you, needing my way prettier sister.
God Bless,
Emme
